Trips 1,2 and 3

We arrived in Ukraine on a Sunday afternoon.  The next day we went to a meeting where we were given permission to visit "Roman" at his orphanage.

We left Kiev early Tuesday morning and drove to the orphanage in Pryluky.

We walked a dark but clean corridor to the director's office where we sat, smiled, and nodded.  I don't think I really heard anything that was said- all I could think about was meeting our boy.

They led us up stairs to a visiting room where we spoke with a social worker.

She told us about "Roman's" biological family.  She told us how his twin brother went home with his family but "Roman" was given up for adoption.  She told us how the mom wanted to bring Roman home too but the father wouldn't allow it.  She told us about all of the surgeries Roman has had and the difficulty of recovering in an orphanage.

 She told us that his mother visited him a few years ago in the orphanage...and that she tried one more time to get her husband to let her bring Roman home but he wouldn't allow it.

She told us that his mother never visited again.

She told us that the rest of Roman's biological family was told he died at birth.

I had a brief moment to process this new information and wonder- will I someday have to tell my son this horrible truth?  How old will he be when he asks me? 

Then the door opened and in walked a small, freshly scrubbed, four year old boy.  His hair slicked down, shirt tucked in, and such a serious expression on his little face.  He held out his little hand to us- "Priveet (hello)", he whispered.

It was different than those moments a Doctor placed a newborn baby in my arms.  The eyes hesitantly meeting mine held secrets of a past I will never know.  This boy of mine has lived more than four years as an orphan.  His life has been hard. 

It was different and it was the same.  I grasped his tiny hand in mine and suddenly my breath came easier.  I looked in his eyes and something deep in me recognized him.  Here he is.

We visited him twice a day and each day he was a little more excited to see us than the day before.  By the last day he ran to us.  Then came time to say goodbye on our last day of visits. 

I knew he would be wondering where we were when we didn't show up the next day.

It was a month before we were back in his town for court.  We left Pittsburgh on a Sunday- got to Kiev on Monday- had court Tuesday and came home Wednesday.  It was exhausting but on Tuesday May 22nd a judge ruled "Roman" ours- AND I can finally drop the advocacy name and tell you his real name is Evgeni.  Evgeni Gerard Kronenberger!  He is called zhenya for short.  The zh- is the same sound the S makes in the word leisure.

We snuck in a quick visit right after passing court!

When do we bring him home?!  Well, after court there is a 30 day wait period before we can get him.  We leave for pickup trip June 25th.

Originally Timmy was going to go alone while I stayed back with the kids but for many reasons we are now going as a family.

Most families I have talked to say we should expect to be gone for 3 weeks- the truth is-all we know- is it won't be less than 2 weeks.
That's a long time to be apart especially when a big change is occurring.

Martina's pickup trip was hard.  The hardest days I've ever had.  This might be completely different and easier BUT if not- I don't want Timmy to live those hard days alone.

This is all of Timmy's vacation time and then some.

Dexter and Bea really don't want to be apart from either Timmy or I.  The hardest part of Martina's adoption was being away for two weeks on pickup trip.  The kids at home had a very hard time with us being away.

Soo many tears when we left for the last two trips. So many.  Not just when we were leaving but the week leading up to it Dexter cried every night at bedtime.

So we are all headed to Ukraine June 25th!!

The only drawback to this new plan is the additional airfare costs.  We sent a few more support letters out a couple days ago and we will use credit if we have to.

Honestly, the cost of not all going seems higher than the cost of going.  I think Zhenya will have an easier time with kids to play with and I know Dex, Bea, Simon, and Teeny will be happier and have an easier time accepting their new brother when the new brother isn't the reason mom and dad are away.

Adoption is hard and we are doing what we think is best for the whole family!

It has been a beautiful, crazy, bumpy road (literally the road to Zhenya's town was so bad sometimes we drove in the grass!) BUT we are almost there.

We are almost there.

We leave on Saturday for trip one.

I'm a mess

There's excitement- but kind of the sick to your stomach excitement you feel while waiting in line to ride a new rollercoaster.

And then finally you're buckled in your seat- the bar ominously lowers and clicks into place- you're not getting off this ride.  And you are not in control. 

The time for second guessing is over and the next part is all about surviving- hopefully with a little bit of dignity and grace.

There will be moments when the wind is whipping by your face- and you feel exhilarated.  Moments of breathless joy as you balance on top of the world- and then moments of breathless terror as the ground comes rushing up to meet you.  You feel free.  You feel trapped.  You are living. You are dying.

You've been here before.  The ride is not totally unfamiliar.  You may not know the exact course the car will take but the track has been laid.  And you are not in control.

I'm a mess.  And the truth is I've always been one.

I struggle with anxiety but most of the time it doesn't completely overwhelm me.

But right now I am overwhelmed.

I can't wait to meet him.  I hope he likes me and by the end of our visit feels some connection to me and Timmy.  But I know that's not realistic and attachment takes time (a lot of it) and hard work, and it's not guaranteed.  I know I will love him unconditionally.  I know he has friends in the orphanage- I know when we bring him home he will be full of grief and fear of the unfamiliar and I may not bring him any comfort.

I know the brokenness he carries with him will touch the whole family.

There will be so many needs and I will struggle to meet them.  I will grieve the years I didn't know him- the baby I never got to hold.

Expectations will die and small victories will be celebrated.

And what I know most of all is I really don't know.  I don't know.  And this isn't a small thing it's a huge thing...and still I don't know.  I don't know.  I don't know.

I hear the click, click, click as the coaster climbs.

All the paperwork, clearances, and homestudies have led me to this moment- when I finally get to meet this little boy.

I am so very ready to meet him.  To love him.

Five years.  He's lived for five years in an orphanage.  What will that look like?

I don't know.

I think of every possibility and plan but I am not in control.  I don't get to be in control.  I've known for many years who holds my future in His hands- and I truly wouldn't want it any other way.  But I can't completely quiet the fear.

So this is where I sign off.  I'm struggling.
I know the truth and still I'm struggling.  I can't wait to see my boy!  And still I'm struggling.  I believe that God is in control and He is working all things for my good- and to be honest- I'm struggling.  It's  going to have to be ok to struggle.

"When I am afraid, I put my trust in you" Psalm 56:3

And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God's love.  Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow--not even the powers of hell can separate us from God's love.
Romans 8:38-39

Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.  Take my yoke on you and learn from me, because I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.  For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light
Matthew 11:28-30

Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God.  And the peace of God, which surpasses all comprehension, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.  Philippians 4:6-7

"We are not necessarily doubting that God will do the best for us; we are wondering how painful the best will turn out to be."
C. S. Lewis

So here's where we stand financially with this adoption.

The amount we have fundraised is in the upper right corner.  As I write this it reads, 8201.  This is a a phenomenal amount, especially when you factor in I only mailed 11 support letters because my printer ran out of ink...and well... there's really no other reason.

That money only becomes available to us when we travel.

So far we have paid the following expenses
Home study- 1500
Hague oversight agency- 3100
Facilitation fee deposit for those working on our behalf in ......- 900
USCIS application and biometric fees- 945
Dossier apostilles (all paperwork has to have a special seal from your state department)- 715
FBI fingerprinting (several times)- 200
FBI apostilles- 100
Mailing last part of dossier to ....- 278

7,738.

There were a few other things like copies of birth certificates, marriage certificates, required lab work...

Looking forward

 We will have to travel three times for this adoption.
1st trip- meet him and accept referral. A week long
2nd trip- court (quick as possible)
3rd trip- pick up... 2 weeks to who knows 😯

From this point on- we expect we will spend an additional 23000-27000

8500 of that is the remainder of our facilitation fee, which is due on trip one.  As you can see we will be able to pay the majority of that with the 8200 we have raised so far.

That leaves us with 14,800- 18,800 in costs remaining.  Airfare will be a large portion of that and impossible to know the exact cost until we get our tickets.  Airfare is also pricier because the unpredictable nature of this adoption will require one way tickets and not round-trip tickets.  Food and lodging will be pretty inexpensive.  Drivers and other travel arrangements while in country will be more expensive.  There's also visa, passport, and medical stuff. 

Bottom line- we are bringing this boy home.  We, I hate to say need, but we don't have that full amount SO we could stand to raise 7-8 thousand more dollars.

We are willing and prepared to use an adoption loan if necessary.  The big draw back here would be that a loan would make things financially difficult for us when we first bring him home.

We expect he will need significant medical attention- and we must also prepare for that.

SO this seems like a lot, right?  As I read it, I'm thinking yikes!  And there are some possible "things aren't going as planned" expenses I've kept to myself- you know trying to be optimistic! 😁

But I'm really not worried about the financial part of this adoption.  I mean I'm really not.  And I'm a worrier.

I'm not ignoring the fact that we will need a good bit of money to complete this adoption- and we did buy printer ink and will be mailing more support letters.  Possibly try an additional fundraiser...🤗

But I've seen my son.  Sure, just in pictures and clips, but he is invaluable.  What cost could be too high?  It's a bargain.

*For some reason when I share this blog on Facebook the donate button showing the amount raised will not show up!  Our family support page can be found by clicking on the link below.  It shows how much people have donated and has a button if you would like to contribute online.

https://reecesrainbow.org/120638/sponsorkronenberger2

Happy Valentine's Day.  It's a day for cards, candy, flowers, and kisses.  A day when we appreciate and celebrate all the people we love and who love us. 

But to be perfectly honest I've never been into Valentine's Day.  Maybe it's because the day is associated with things more than people.  Sure people are giving the things and people are getting the things...but it always seems to be about the stuff.

I don't know about you but I never feel more love on Valentine's day than other days.

It's a day heavy with expectations.  And for me, the most earnest moments of love have always occurred unexpectedly.  And if not unexpectedly then mundanely.

I remember being nervous and excited on my wedding day, and of course I loved Timmy.  But when I think about love and Timmy- I think about how when he was only 17 and I 16- he stuck by me as I hugely struggled with anxiety and depression.  I think about our first year of marriage where we literally ran out of money and bought groceries at Sears because we could use our Sears card.  I think about several months later when my period was late and I took a pregnancy test in the Clarion Walmart bathroom because we couldn't wait the 5 minutes to drive home.  It was positive- I took five more just to be certain.

There we were barely making ends meet and pregnant.  This was 8 years ago and there were no teaching jobs to speak of and despite having just graduated with a teaching degree...my husband began looking for a job that had nothing to do with what he had always wanted to do..teach.

I think about moving back to the South Hills of Pittsburgh with an 8 month old and moving in with my in-laws while Timmy started a new job.  I think about all the nights he got home late and all the times I asked him if he was ok with giving up on teaching.  And all the times he said yes.

I think about our first home and the first time we, as a married couple, weren't broke.  And how we looked back on those Clarion days with affection and even a little bit of envy.

I think of holding babies that just won't stop crying and hair back as toddlers puke- and I look to my side and there is my husband.

I think of bringing home a traumatized, neglected, drugged 2 1/2 year old and watching the life I knew tilt on it's axis.  And there is my husband.

We can set aside a day to acknowledge love with fancy dinners and grand gestures, and love can be found in the midst of those things, but love is not those things.

When I think about the times love has made my chest ache and feet move- it's been tucking my kids into bed as they tearfully tell me about having trouble with friends.  So the next day I set up the slip n slide and resign myself to having their friends over so relationships can be mended.  It's when I am feeling anxious and down and not pleasant to be around and Timmy runs out to get me my favorite burger.  It was holding kids who were dying from curable illness and still they were going to die.  But I was going to hold them.

The moments when I have known- I would take someone else's burden if I could.  And times when someone would take mine.

Is there any love that doesn't deny self?  Love is selfless.

I thought it so fitting that the beginning of Lent fell on Valentine's Day this year.  What a great reminder for me of what love is.


"My command is this: love each other as I have loved you"  John 15:12

How did He love us?

“For God so loved the world, that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life" John 3:16

He gave...but it's not simply that he gave, it's what he gave.  He gave himself.  He laid down his life.  

Love is actionary and sacrificial.  It doesn't say and not do.  It doesn't feel and not move.
  
And whereas I know there are moments when love seems easy.  When I said, "I do", the first time I held my babies, when I committed to adopt Martina and Roman...and many other moments when love floods my heart.

I know that love is putting others before myself.  And I must be incredibly selfish because that, more often than not, isn't easy.  
But it is love.  And love is good. 

Happy Valentine's Day.

Looking back and moving forward

As 2017 ends and we head into 2018- I do what so many do- and look back on the past year.  Last holiday season found us with a newly adopted Martina, a SUPER clingy Simon, and unmet expectations.

Timmy and I really thought we had no expectations upon adopting Martina- we talked about all the possibilities prior to bringing her home- and decided lets not expect anything.  But when the orphanage worker placed a skinny, drugged, infant like two year old in my arms- my eyes flew to my husband's- and it was clear- we weren't expecting this.  

Christmas last year ended in bitter tears as we had to let go of all the expectations, we didn't realize we had, for our new wonderfully made daughter.  

In a world that places such high importance on intelligence- whether it is a free movie rental for every A on a report card, the "gifted" program, or different color cords on graduation robes- we, perhaps unintentionally, but nevertheless, enforce the idea that our worth and our academic achievements are one and the same. 

Education is a gift, one that we here in the USA are blessed with.  The problem isn't that we find value in education BUT rather that we find OUR value in it. (Just to be clear)

Martina has an under developed brain and untreated hydrocephalus.  I say untreated because a shunt was never placed to drain the fluid.  We have seen a neurosurgeon at Children's and surgery will not be beneficial to Teeny at this point.  Martina also has nystagmus and very little if any vision in her right eye.

She came from a hard place.  She had very limited interactions from birth to 2 1/2 years.  It is impossible to tell where neglect and disability meet.  Will she talk?  We don't know.  And from there are hundreds of other, will she...fill in the blank.. questions.  And though the questions are varied- the answer is the same- we don't know.

So each day we work with Martina on many things- getting from a kneel to a stand, tolerating different foods, holding a spoon, simple signs...etc.  

Does she have value? worth?   Martina is immeasurably valuable.  Created individually, specifically, carefully drawn in the image of God.

Unfortunately not everyone sees her value- her birth country couldn't see it. Instead they measured her against typical children and found her lacking.  She was assigned a crib and minimally fed a convenient liquid diet.

This last summer, when we were at the pool, I heard two young boys call Martina stupid.  She was having a super happy moment and cracking herself up while floating in her baby boat in the baby pool.  The boys were splashing in the water and she loved the sound.  They saw her joy and seeing that she was not expressing herself in a typical way- called her stupid.

So this year I have taken time to talk to my kids about what really matters.  Some of what I tell them is contrary to what they are taught at school or in the world in general.  O well.

In the past year I have watched Dexter, Bea, and even Simon (it just took him a little longer!)  choose to love Martina.  And I have seen Martina's love for her brothers and sister.  It's not a small thing to love, so I thought it worth mentioning.

Dexter has begun to love reading and it is the sweetest thing to watch him read stories to Simon.  Bea takes care of her siblings like you wouldn't believe- she is my biggest helper.  And Simon is refusing to potty train- but he is O so cute and he loves to snuggle!  Martina is learning to "like" to walk and beginning to use more sounds when she babbles.  

Martina gave us a scare several weeks ago when we went to get her up from nap and found her covered in vomit, breathing erratically, and unresponsive to our words or touch.  She had a grand mal seizure (generalized tonic-clonic seizure).  She continued to seize the entire ambulance ride and for an additional thirty minutes or so at the hospital while they tried to place an iv to give her medicine to stop the seizure.  The next several days were incredibly difficult as we waited for Martina to recover.  When she woke up late in the afternoon the next day- she had no muscle control (which wasn't unexpected) but as the day wore on she began to rage.  She couldn't sit without immediately falling over and though her eyes were open she wasn't present with us.  For the next 15 hrs or so- we were left to wonder if this was a reaction to the medicine they had to give her- or if the seizure had caused temporary or permanent damage.  Her Dr really didn't think it was the medicine- so as I drove back and forth between the hospital and my parents' house I was left wondering- if it came to it- how was I going to bring Teeny home like this?  She had come so far in a year...and now it felt like all of that progress was gone.  I felt like life had just settled...and now this.  I felt like, "Hey God!  She has SO much that she has to work through...why more?" 

I wondered how was I going to handle explaining to her brothers and sister that she was different now.  O how they would miss the Teeny girl that they knew.  I asked myself, was it ok to grieve the loss of somebody who was still there?  When I got to my parents I was greeted by three happy to see me kiddos.  And Dexter's first question was how was Martina.  

While I was away another Dr. decided to switch Martina's medicine and from that point on she began to improve.  She is now home, back to herself- perhaps just a little sleepier as she adjusts to her seizure meds.

 There was a moment in the hospital when I had to seriously confront the question... If this doesn't get better, is God still good?  Is He still faithful?  Will I still be joyful?  Yes. Yes. Yes.

Christmas this year was very different than last.  It ended with Timmy and I standing outside Teeny's room listening to her laugh hysterically as she watched her new night light project spinning stars on her bedroom walls.  Life is so busy that so often the gradual changes in Teeny go- not unnoticed- but unawed (ahha I don't think that's a word!  But unappreciated just wasn't what I meant!)
It was a rare moment of calm, in our crazy house, on Christmas night, where we stood outside Martina's door in awe of what happened that past year.  She is a different girl than she was and we are different parents than we were.

This next year will, no doubt, have it's share of craziness!

As we open our home and hearts to our new son "Roman"- we know we are opening to new trials and new heartache- because loving the broken, breaks us.

So let it

Break our definition of success.
Break us of our pride
Break us til we're uncomfortable

I want it to
Break away everything that makes me feel safe, secure, whole- that isn't Jesus.

Bit by bit, I want the hold this world has on me, and the death grip I have on it, to break.  I want to free fall into the arms of Jesus.

This year I want to revel in the freedom that only complete surrender can bring.  2018 goals.

  

It's safe to say I never expected to be adopting again so soon.  Actually, I vividly remember standing in a small apartment far away from home, trying to calm/dodge the blows of a headbanging...thrashing....smelly Martina...and saying to Timmy, "I can't do this".

I remember sitting in the shower (there was no bath((which has been my safe place since I was little)) so I blocked the drain and tried to regroup in 2 inches of water...) frantically praying, reading the bible, googling bible studies that deal with fear... and saying over and over again to God, "I can't do this."

Those twelve days were the worst.  Just the worst.  I  was so scared, and lonely, and to be "ugly honest" I was angry.  It was NOT what I had planned.  I should have been better at this- God called me to adoption.

But

I missed my babies at home (bad), Tina was withdrawing from sedation medication and did not sleep- like at all.  She didn't want to be held- she wouldn't stop slamming her head on things and I felt isolated and trapped in a tiny apartment in a foreign country.

For the record I know this doesn't paint me in the best light.  But it is honest.

And it turns out I was right...I couldn't do it.

 I'm not sure when God spoke into my crazy heart, but He did.  And do you know what He said to my cries of, "I can't do this!"?

He said, "I know."

Martina has been home for ten months.  My little girl who couldn't sit, hated to be touched, and wouldn't look at me when I spoke to her- follows me around the house, reaches to be held, and looks when I say her name.  She is loving, and stubborn, and so full of joy.  I can't imagine my life without her.

And I am thankful each day that even though I can't do it- I have a God who says, "But I can."

The night before we left Bulgaria with Martina- I didn't sleep- shocker.  I was trying so hard to imagine what life would be like once we got home- and I was terrified.  I couldn't focus my mind to pray- words were crashing all around in my sleep deprived brain- but I needed to talk to God.  I needed to affirm what was true and focus on Who was there, right there, in that tiny apartment, in that foreign place, with me.  A good and faithful God.

So I picked up a pen and a scrap of paper and wrote to God.

Today I was sitting at the piano- messing around with a melody for the words I wrote 10 months ago in Bulgaria. Teeny was next to me, adding her notes to mine- and I didn't immediately make the connection.  Then she laid her head on my arm and I choked up.  In Bulgaria I talked with God about His faithfulness when I felt like I was drowning... and now here I am safe on shore playing piano with one of my biggest blessings.

I set my phone up to record us as we played.  This is a hobby of mine and the music is technically awful- but it's not about that.  I planned on just sharing with Timmy, but he and I think it's too sweet of a moment not to share.

He has called Timmy and I, again, to adoption.  He has broken our hearts for Roman, and squished him in there so that we love him already and will work diligently to bring him home.

I'm excited to see where God is leading us- trusting all the while that He is leading us closer to Him.

We found Roman in pretty much the same way that we found Martina- through Reece's Rainbow's waiting child list.

We know he was born prematurely and he had a shunt placed to treat hydrocephalus.  

We also know Roman is a twin and his (healthy) brother went home with their parents.

That last bit- is some rough information.  It's important to know that Roman is in a different country and children with special needs are often given up for adoption in Eastern Europe.  

We may never know exactly why Roman was placed in an orphanage- but there are many factors in play and I'm sure his birth parents carefully and painfully made the decision. I can't imagine there is a day that passes when they don't look at Roman's brother and wonder...

I can't imagine.

And I am so thankful that my family has access to amazing health and education resources.  

Martina had her first day of pre-K preschool this week.  She is enrolled in a DART classroom- that is conveniently located at South Park Elementary Center-where Dexter and Bea go to school.  

When we made the decision to adopt Roman- one of the things that fell so heavily into the let's do this / it's really not that crazy category- was that we have so much.

Don't get me wrong- we are firmly situated in the middle (probably to lower) class- BUT o my gosh- we have SO much.

All of our kids are well fed and clothed- they all go to school and to the doctor.  Martina has many services provided through the county.  I mean seriously, we take all these things for granted but they are a huge blessing.

Perhaps Disneyland or world or wherever childhood dreams come true- isn't in the cards for our kids.
(Not an attack on Disney goers and lovers!!!  You go- you love!)

But between yesterday and today they rode their bikes, had a late night campfire with the neighborhood kids, visited Mimi and Buppa, played with cousins, had another campfire, had hotdogs, and smores...

And in the past nine months they have seen their sister become part of our family.  They have kissed her and hugged her- pushed her around in wagons and strollers (sometimes big cardboard boxes)- and sometimes they've complained about her therapy sessions and Dr appointments- or been annoyed when we have had to change the way we do things- to include this new sister.

Dexter, Bea, and Simon have made sacrifices- some they recognize- but most they have no idea they're making.

When you have more kids- you don't get more time or more money (although technically you get some nice tax credits- but I wouldn't recommend having a kid for the credit...it doesn't break even!).

So there will be school fieldtrips that mom can't go on,  there will be sport commitments/schedules that can't be kept, and there will be trips we can't afford.

As a parent, there is a large part of me that wants to give my kids all of these things.

But there is this other part of me that wants so much more for my kids than the perfect childhood-  My kids will dream of Disney- I have no doubt- and perhaps some day will get to go-

 but will they love full heartedly, sacrificially?  Will they recognize that people should always hold a higher value than things?

I want that for them.  Will they look back on their childhood and remember everything they weren't able to do- or will they remember campfires and bike rides and the magic of bringing a sister and brother home.

--

Hey everyone!  So... here we are adopting again.  I feel a little crazy- so it is perfectly understandable if your reaction to this news is, "O my gosh- are they crazy?!"

We might be. 

We are headed back to Eastern Europe to bring home a little 4(ish) year old boy. 

Yes, this will make five kids for us.  Yes, we know that’s more kids than the average family has.  Again, we think the, “Are they crazy!?” response IS a valid response. 

BUT even though we ourselves have pondered our mental stability- we have come to the conclusion that we are, for the most part, sane. 

We are headed back to Eastern Europe to bring home a little boy.  We are going to bring home a beautifully and wonderfully made little boy.  We will gladly carry the label of crazy- if it means a home, mom and dad, sisters and brothers, for a little boy who has no idea what family is. 

Martina has changed so much since we brought her home.  She is no longer confined to a crib and underfed.  She can crawl- she can walk holding hands- she knows her name- she knows her family- she IS loved unconditionally. 

Martina on pickup trip- 2yrs 3months- couldn't sit up

Teeny 9 months home!

She has come so far and will go further still- but the trauma of her first two and a half years of neglect follow her.  You see it at mealtime in her liquid diet and at bedtime when she rocks.  You see it when she self harms.  She has left the institution but she has not escaped the effects of being institutionalized.  

Nine months ago, I walked out of an orphanage with a child in my arms but I can’t forget the children who are still orphans.  And I don’t think I’m meant to. 

Timmy and I know we can’t be a family  for every orphan but we certainly can be Roman’s family.

We couldn’t have brought Martina home without the love and support of our friends and family- we are hoping you will support us again- as we Race to Roman! 

Waiting for court

There hasn't been too much to report.  We are SO close to the finish line (or starting line- depending on how you look at it.)

This lingo may be lost on some, but we have our article 5 signature and have been assigned a judge.

We are waiting (ugh waiting) on a court date.  What's coming next?  Well...

We will be assigned a court date (hopefully assigned this week AND for a date that is within a few weeks!)

Once we pass court we will travel to pick our girl up about 4-6 weeks later.

We are hoping to travel in November- it could possibly be sooner... and of course it could be later.

My mom has a picture of "Marla"  on her fridge- it is the referral picture we were given when we first committed to adopt.  She is about 9 months in the picture.

When we met M she was 23 months and no longer the same baby from her referral picture.

When we pick her up she will be 5 months older than last we saw her.

She turned 2 several months ago.

When we first began the process of adopting M- I knew it would take time to get her home.  But for some reason I never thought about all the time we would miss.

In my mind I hit pause on 9 month old M.  Then a social worker walked in carrying an almost 2 yr old.  It was like someone hit fast forward... and I have missed SO much.

She's growing up- not only that- but she is growing up in a place children shouldn't grow up- and to be perfectly honest children don't grow up there. They die.  Or they get transferred to an adult institution where they live the rest of their lives hungry and alone waiting for relief.   That's not dramatic, that is fact.

M's home right now is dark and quiet. She is lonely and hungry.  And time is not her friend.

As I count the minutes of my day in traffic jams, packing lunches, pushing a swing, reading a book- her days blur and merge in a fog of time spent alone in a crib.

I pray for time to quicken- so that I can get her home sooner...because each day spent in that orphanage will threaten her flame. Will dim her light...Will encourage her to detach herself from the world around her.

And now it feels like I am battling to get to her in time... in time for her to have an easier time attaching, in time for her to learn how to chew, in time for her to have her best chance at corrective medical procedures for her eyes... and the list really does go on.

I just want to get there in time.

Yes, we've been here before on this blog.  If this sounds familiar- it's because it is.  I want to get there in MY time.  And it is super hard for me to trust in God's timing.

I trust in God. Absolutely.  And if He could do this, this, and this by next Tuesday- that would be great. HA.  I'm the worst.  It is really hard to wait.





SO in the middle of writing this blog post... I got an email from our adoption agency.  WE HAVE COURT.  September 27th.

That is "next Tuesday" by the way.  God is good ALL the time.

Love never fails

There is a lot on my mind right now- so I'm just going to jump right in.  Sometimes I try (and I stress, try) to write with a clear objective in mind of what I want to say...that will not be today!

I miss Marla.  I really do.  I don't know her very well yet, and we didn't have much time with her, but I miss her.

I've loved her since we committed to adopting her- and I have longed for her to be home, for just as long.

But this missing her business-- is new.

Now that I have spent time with her, I can picture her here in our home.  I can envision the many different ways she will fit into this family.  Her family.

We have only a handful of memories of Marla... and from the few, I can't help but look forward to making countless more.

Our visit was difficult.  Of course it was.

The experience of being in an orphanage and meeting your two yr old daughter for the first time- is a foreign one. (Pun...a little bit intended).

Combine that with the uncertainty of pretty much everything...(ya I'm going to go with everything) in adoption.  And you can imagine why I say the trip was difficult.

It was wonderful.  Mixed in with the difficult-  are some irreplaceable, beautiful, at times hilarious memories of meeting Marla.

She was unused to being held and it showed.  I had to keep placing her legs, just so, around my hip.  I had to show her how to be held.  She really wasn't having any of that, on the first day.

On the third day, in the early afternoon she was getting a little fussy, so I picked her up.  I turned some music on (she seriously loves music), sang, and rocked her/danced with her around the room.

That day she layed her head on my shoulder.  That day I did for her, what I have done countless times for her brothers and sister- I rocked her to sleep.

There are a lot of little loves in orphanages, who have never been rocked to sleep.

This was a difficult month, 3 little ones listed on Reece's Rainbow passed away- two had families working to bring them home.

I will never forget the first time I saw Cristoff's picture.  It's not an easy sight to forget.  A small boy, with down syndrome, very clearly malnourished, a bleak profile--  a crib baby.

 I saw him, and my first thought was how much being loved would change him.  How he could thrive in a family who claimed him as their own.  I prayed for someone to see the beautiful boy, hidden behind years of neglect, and recognize him as their son.

I remember telling Timmy that if he was still waiting after we got Marla home... I couldn't just leave him there.

Then his family found him, and I was ecstatic.

Cristoff passed away, about a week after his family committed to bringing him home.

I'm so thankful to everyone who has supported us as we work toward bringing Marla home.  I really can't say that enough.

Some may wonder why anyone would commit to adopting before having all the funds necessary to complete the adoption.

http://covenantbuilders.blogspot.com/2016/07/which-one-would-you-leave-behind.html?m=1

We have been asked that question before, and I think this post does an excellent job of answering that question.

It also shows you pictures from a RR reunion- and points you toward the idea of committing $5 a month to adopting RR families.

Cristoff pops into my head pretty much every day at random moments.

I used to wonder how love would change him- never realizing that loving Cristoff would change me.  This sweet boy, so far away, so unaware, broke my heart.

And as I look to my heavenly father for comfort- I get to imagine the comfort Cristoff now feels, wrapped in the loving arms of the perfect Father.

As a parent, sometimes I am tempted to let my failures define me.

 There are days I put my kids to bed, and I dance down the stairs to freedom.

Bribery is a daily occurrence in our house...because candy is an excellent motivator, and I really just don't care how much of it they eat.  (That's right...move on)

I threw away Dexter's alphabet book he worked on throughout this whole preschool school year.  I hid it beneath all the other garbage because I knew if he saw it he would cry... I did it anyway.

I have taught them nothing as far as school skills go.  My kids can count and do the abcs, because of kid shows and church leaders.

I am not a morning person, and because I am not a morning person- Dexter and Bea either get their own cereal or you know... if there are cookies- we deem those acceptable breakfast food.

I'm not proud of any of these things listed above, and some days I feel like I have really blown it as a mom.

http://www.ransomforisrael.com/mommy-fails/

This is a link to a great post written by a very talented writer.  I have read it more than a few times- as I struggle with feelings of failure as a parent- and have worried about being a good mom for Marla.

Love never fails...

Meeting Marla

It is difficult to write about meeting Marla- there were and are just so many different emotions involved.

When we arrived at the orphanage we went directly to the social worker's office.  We were supposed to meet with the orphanage director- but she was gone the entire week we visited.  This may have been a blessing as I have heard she is cold, and I have a low tolerance for jerks.  

During this brief meeting we listened as the social worker told us how the director, Marla' s Dr., and her physical therapist were all away on vacation- and we wouldn't be meeting them.

It was made abundantly clear in a matter of minutes, that there was no one present in the orphanage who knew Marla.  It was upsetting.

BUT we hadn't even met Marla yet!  So any negative emotion, that news may have evoked, was buried deep under excitement.

We just sat there, staring at the door...

Then Marla was carried in and put in my arms.  It was awesome and even a little terrifying.  Life changing moments are often scary and there is no doubt many things are about to change.

We took her outside (away from the social worker) to give ourselves a moment alone with her- give ourselves some time to really see her.  

The moment we got outside and snapped ourselves out the shock of finally meeting her- so many things were immediately realized.  

She can't yet walk or place any weight on her legs, but she can move her legs. She doesn't know how to be held.  Her vision is impaired.  Her head is flat.  She can't sit.  

She smiles when you touch her face. 

Complete honesty... at that moment I wanted to weep.  I wanted to grieve the realization that she has been neglected and left in a crib for far too many hours of the day.  I wanted to stomp my feet and scream- all out rage- that she had clearly been sedated before being placed in my arms.  

And by the time our first visit was nearing its end- my face hurt from holding a smile- and my head ached from the onslaught of emotions I couldn't freely express.  

And part of me longed for the comfortable.  That's right, a selfish, completely disgusting part of me, wished I was home and not in an orphanage in Eastern Europe.

But she smiles when you touch her face. And she cocks her head, in the cutest way, when she hears music.  

She will celebrate her second birthday in a few weeks- and she has never had a home.

I can't wait to bring her home.

When we got back to our hotel after our first visit- and I could finally give voice to the experiences of the day.  I remember looking at Timmy and saying, " I love her, I do.  So much.  And this is really hard."  

I struggle with ending the post this way, but I wanted to share with you a real picture of our first day with Marla.

God is great.  Love is enough.  I am blessed to love Marla and to be her mom.  Adoption is hard.

Here we go!

There have been moments when it has felt like this trip would never get here. Nine months ago we committed to adopting Marla.

It has been quite the journey so far, and we still have a ways to go... BUT we get to see her on Monday!!  

We get to read to her, and show her pictures- we get to hold her and tell her we love her.  

We leave tomorrow night, and arrive in Eastern Europe Sunday evening.  

It's here.  Finally months of waiting will end in us meeting our daughter.

I can give you a brief outline of what this trip holds for us.

On Sunday evening we will arrive in her country, where we will be picked up by our translator/driver/all around helper.  He will take us to our hotel and be responsible for taking us to see Marla every day.

Monday we will meet with the director of the orphanage, a social worker, Marla, and our translator will also be present.

Tuesday through Friday we will visit with Marla in the mornings, and again in the late afternoon/early evening after rest time is over.

Half way through the trip, we will complete some paperwork in country, solidifying our commitment to adopt Marla.

I don't know if you have noticed our fundraising amount listed to the right. BUT we have reached our goal!  In fact we have exceeded it.

I can't express our gratitude.  You can't see me- but I can't write this without getting choked up.  THANK YOU.

It is daunting to hear the number 32-35,000.  An outline of expected expenses is right there on some of the first (of a lot....) of paperwork that is given at the beginning of the adoption process.  And I would be lying if I said I never had a moment of worry over how we would afford this.

In the beginning I was certain we would need to pursue a loan.  We would have, there is no doubt that we were led to Marla, and even though I can't always completely squash my worry, my God is always bigger.  I refused to believe (well, Timmy refused to believe, and may remind me every so often!)  that we would be called to adopt, if we weren't able to do so.


That isn't to say things have been easy, but things have been possible! And it has been, eye opening, to look back and see God in complete control (as always) of this journey.

My brother, James, is picking us up for the airport around 5pm tomorrow evening.

Dexter, Bea, and Simon are hopping around between Meemaw and Pap pap, Aunt Joc and Uncle Mike, Aunt Dayna and Uncle Tommy- the kids are really excited for all of their sleepovers and Timmy and I are so blessed to have such help from our family!

We will have lots to share when we get back!

Prep for Trip One

This has been a crazy week!

We are SO excited to have our travel dates- June 18th-25th.  And we want to say, thank you to everyone for your support.  Thank you so much.  It is a huge blessing to be able to work toward adopting Marla- without the worry of how we will be able to afford the adoption.  This is only possible because of your love and support- we are blown away by such generosity.


We had a lot of fees due this week and we used a big chunk of the money gifted to us. The money went directly toward two things.  A 6500 foreign fee, and 3500 for travel.  It was incredibly helpful.

All travel arrangements are made and three weeks from today we will meet Marla.

It is overwhelming.  

We have a few last minute things to do this week and next- some more paperwork of course!  BUT at this point- paperwork just doesn't faze us like it did in the beginning of our adoption journey.  

No, I'm overwhelmed by possibilities. My brain is being bombarded by all the things we do not know about our little girl.

Some of you may have wondered about Marla's diagnosis.  And you're not alone- Timmy and I wonder about it too.

 The truth of the matter is, we do not have a lot of information on Marla's condition.  And we don't expect to know anything for certain until she is home with us and able to see a neurologist.

She is diagnosed (in country), with a brain abnormality.  The exact wording and medical letter from her country combined with video of Marla, when reviewed by a Dr. here- did not translate completely(didn't add up). And until imaging/ testing can be done- Drs here can't tell us anything.

So I think about the possibility of her needing significant medical treatment.  And it's scary-- but I have no concerns about her getting excellent treatment in the U.S.

We are really so blessed to live where we do.

This next part- I want to write about- I want to be brutally honest about- what has occupied much of my mind since we got our travel dates.

I know orphanages are far from the ideal place for a child to live.  And I have seen horrific things in an orphanage in Eastern Europe.  Which is what gave us the final nudge to adopt.

You know ever since committing to adopting Marla, I have clung to a picture of her in a pristine white outfit- and a 2 minute video of her in a jumper seat blowing raspberries.  I have listened to others who have seen these two images and concluded that Marla must be in a pretty nice orphanage.  And I haven't let my mind wander too far down a difficult road...

Once we received our travel dates- as though a red light had finally turned green- I asked myself the question I had been too afraid to dwell on...and took off down a gravel road that had just reopened after a long winter.  The kind of bumps that knock your teeth together and scrape the bottom of your car.  The kind of road you avoid unless it is the only way to get to where you're going.

What if Marla's orphanage resembles the one I visited?

What if we walk in and our senses are assaulted by the sight of malnourished children and the smell of sweat and urine?

What if the images that haunt me still today are mirrored in the place where our daughter lives?

I asked the question- and I was able to ask someone who would know the answer.

She took her son, Israel, home from the orphanage where Marla lives earlier this year.

She writes about her first trip- about the orphanage- director- and her sweet little boy- on her blog.  The link is below.

The post from August 2015- titled,  To Hell and Back, gives insight into her trip one. (She is a phenomenal writer and I love her blog- it is all worth reading!)

http://www.ransomforisrael.com/2015/08/

My heart aches a bit more and I am grieving the loss of the dream- that maybe Marla is in a "good place."

How broken.  How broken this world is.
Adoption is amazing- and beautiful- but never forget it comes from a place of loss- of brokenness.

There is a popular quote in the adoption community.


"My friends, adoption is redemption. It’s costly, exhausting, expensive, and outrageous. Buying back lives costs so much. When God set out to redeem us, it killed Him." - Derek Loux

(I'm not sure why everything is highlighted from here on out...I copied and pasted the quote and it changed something that I don't know how to change back...And I'm not SO concerned that I'm going to take time to figure it out!)

So as Timmy and I prepare for trip one- we are so very excited to meet our daughter.

 But excitement is just one of many emotions we are experiencing- so please pray for us, pray for Marla, pray for orphans.  


I am so thankful God sought me in my brokenness.  What amazing, unbelievable, seriously crazy love He has for the broken. Hallelujah.


"We care for orphans not because we are rescuers, but because we are the rescued"- David Platt

While we wait

It has been six weeks since our dossier was received in country, and we could get the news we are approved to travel at any time.

Some families who have adopted from the same country as we are say they heard around 8 weeks- our agency said more like ten- and honestly it could be longer.  

What do I do while I wait?

Well... I check my phone a lot.  Every time it dings or vibrates I check for the email icon in the top left corner of my screen.  

And several times a day it's there!  And I feel my heart start to beat a little bit faster as I swipe down to see what is in my mailbox... and the waiting continues.

Sometimes when my phone alerts me- it is a Facebook notification from my Reece's Rainbow group.

Several times a day, it is someone from the RR group, advocating for a waiting child.  

And so while I wait- I am reminded that so many children are waiting too. 

They're waiting for a family.  They're waiting to be loved- for someone to say, "I won't leave you there, I will come for you."

Just waiting. 

I look at their sweet little faces, and my heart hurts, and my arms ache, and my feet itch to run to them.  

We are coming for Marla, but there are so many little ones we will leave behind.  We can't be the family- for every orphan.  

And every child was made to have a family. 

So what do I do while I wait?

I pray.  

I click on the waiting child's link to their RR profile- and I read about them- I fall in love with them- I let my heart break for them- and I pray.  

Will you pray with me?

This is a link to Joseph- he lives in an orphanage because his mother passed away.  Sweet baby will be transferred soon from the nice baby house he is in.

http://reecesrainbow.org/84631/joseph-3

There's a YouTube link in his profile!  

Dear God,

Thank you for Joseph.  Thank you for Reece's Rainbow and the work they do advocating for orphans. We are in awe of Your love God.  That You would leave heaven to come to a broken world- that You would give your son to die on a cross, so that we, undeserving as we are, could inherit Your kingdom.  So that we could be your sons and daughters.  Thank you for loving us.  Thank you for saving us.  God, we ask that our hearts be burdened for the orphan.  We ask for a family for Joseph. We want Joseph to experience love and family- they way you designed it to be.   We know Your ways are greater, are higher than our understanding- and we in all things trust in Your goodness and perfect plan.  We love you.  Amen.

Waiting to travel

I have been the worst at updating this blog.  I am so sorry.

I think the main reason this post has been so delayed- is every time I have sat down determined to write something- I feel like I have nothing to say.

That's not exactly true- we are waiting.

Waiting.

And what I want to say is... it kind of sucks.  I could try to put an upbeat spin on the process of doing nothing but waiting- but it's exhausting and I'm getting tired.

I think Tim and I have reached a point where we just want to hold her.  Gosh, we just want to meet her.

Our dossier has been accepted- and now we are waiting to hear we can travel.

This is completely out of our hands- and solely in the hands of someone in another country- who we have absolutely no contact with.

Once we are invited to travel by Marla's birth country- we will leave to meet her asap.  Which will be within two weeks of being invited.

We really want to hear we can travel this month- but it could be June.

And we won't know til we know.

There will be no update until we are told we can travel.


Recently, while at bible study, I was reminded that

God created time for timing.

I was reminded, through scripture, that God has perfect timing.

I need to remember, especially now in this time of waiting, that God is moving.

He's not taking a break, He's not distracted, He's not disinterested...

He is perfect.  His plan is perfect.  His timing is perfect.

When uncertainties make me crazy (just a little bit)- I need to rest in the knowledge that one thing is certain.

God is sure.  God is steady, He is unchanging.

He choreographs the universe to move perfectly.  His timing is flawless.

If His plan is for me to wait- I will wait for Him- knowing that this part too- has been perfectly planned.

Dossier en route!!

Last weekend we took a trip to Harrisburg to have our dossier sealed (it's like- notarizing the notary lol).  And now... it is on its way to the country we are adopting from! Now we wait for it to be registered in country, and then get some travel dates!!

This week we also had some big fees due- and I have never been so excited to part with $9,000.

When we first seriously considered adoption- one of the biggest things holding us back was the cost.  It is expensive.

But ask me now- how I feel about the cost.

Without a doubt, it is the thing I am the least worried about.  And I am so glad we didn't let that fear stop us from answering the call to adopt.


We are so grateful for all of the support our friends and family have given us, and I thought this would be a good time to give an update on where we are financially.

We have fundraised 9,100.  That is phenomenal and we are SO blessed by the generosity of our community.

This is tricky to write- but I find honesty is always the best way to deal with a touchy subject, like money.

We would like to fundraise 15,000 (so far grants have not come through).  We now have a better idea of how much this adoption will cost- and we expect it to fall within 30- 33 thousand.

The thing with adoption- and international adoption in particular, is there are many variables.  And as much as it is tempting to plan for the cheaper end- it is not wise.

If we do not raise another cent- money will not prevent us from bringing Marla home.  We will, if necessary look into a small loan.  As a parent- what wouldn't you do for your child?

I feel since we are asking for monetary support, we should be completely transparent with our adoption finances. Timmy and I have now officially saved 20,000- and we are absolutely prepared to use it all.

But here comes some tough honesty... the costs don't stop when the adoption is finalized.

We will have to submit post-placement reports (think mini homestudy by a social worker) to Marla's birth country, at 6 months, 12 months, 18 months, and 24 months. The studies along with translation can be costly.

When we arrive home- we do not know exactly what to expect. But very likely, Marla will have immediate and significant medical needs.

We would like to have set aside a small buffer (2-3,000) for her immediate care- once she is home.

We are not, in any way worried about this.  We are fully confident in our ability to properly care for all of our children.  I tell you this- to be completely honest about what Timmy and I talk about.

The great news, if I haven't turned you all off with my bluntness, is we are only 6,000 away from our- I hate to say goal... but goal of 15,000.

This goal could change- it could lower or please no, raise, depending on travel and in country expenses beyond our control.  

The best news is we know who is in control!!  So pray for us!!  We serve a God who listens when we pray.

We are in the very very (I seriously can not stress that word enough) early stages of planning a fundraising event!! ... I figured if I put a lot of explanation marks I could trick you into excitement. Did it work?

Haha I'm kind of kidding- we are hoping to keep it very simple- and something that would be fun enough- you almost forget you're doing us a huge favor by participating.

We are thinking a dance and snack event.  Family friendly.

We can't feed you dinner... because well the point is to raise money. BUT dancing is a lot of fun- and we have a potential free/ or super cheap venue!! And they might not know it yet... but our family is hopefully going to help us make some yummy snacks :).

I think there is potential there- but I am, quite possibly, the worst at planning things.  Friends let me know what you think!!  Please.

Plan is to have the event after our first trip!

Wanted, Chosen, Loved

Before I write this, I wanted to mention, my writing is coming from a person who believes in Jesus.  That person is me.  Ha. There was some very questionable grammar just now- and I am not going back to fix it.


We live in a world where- like it or not- people are valued based on whether other people like them (want them, choose them, love them).  You see it everywhere- and it makes some sense.  I mean who wants to choose to hang out with a jerk- or even a super annoying person.  It makes some sense. (Worldly sense).

This attitude is deceptively destructive and too easily expressed toward- unborn babies, orphans, the disabled, the lower class, the upper class (probably just the opposite of the class you find yourself in...)
And not because they are all jerks, or annoying (although I'm sure sometimes that is the case( to be clear- I still don't think those reasons make it ok not to love someone.  I just wanted you to know- I understand the struggle of loving jerks and annoying people)), but because, for whatever reason, it is inconvenient to value them.  To want them, to choose them, to love them.

And when we choose not to want them, not to choose them, not to love them. We devalue them.  We see them as less than what they are.  Less than eternal. We see them as temporary.  A temporary problem.

As a Christian, my biggest challenge is to love.

My biggest challenge has been-- to want, to choose, to love-- the eternal.

And to let go of the temporary, when it gets in the way of that.

We are bombarded with a worldly view of what love is.  In every show, movie, commercial, song, news cast- we are told what it means to love.  You fall in love, you fall out of love, just love yourself, love is elusive, love is temporary..

But we know what love looks like. It looks like a Savior coming into a world that has turned away from Him.  It looks like Jesus dying on a cross- after being viciously beaten, and ridiculed.  It looks like a Father turning away, and letting that happen, so we can have eternal life with Him.  (Even the really annoying people)

Does it look easy?  Does it look temporary?  Does it look convenient?

No, it looks unimaginably hard.

It looks like a choice.

Our value is found- at the cross.  Where we are- so wanted, so chosen, so loved


People are not temporary.  They are eternal.  They are valuable.

Our value is not determined by anything or anyone, physically present on Earth.

Our value was determined a long time ago- on a cross.

We don't get to determine anyone else's value- that has already been done.

We get to love- because He first loved us- we can love.  

That ridiculously annoying person- we can love them, that child with HIV- we can love them, that homeless man, that bitter acquaintance... we can choose to love them.

It is hard to love.  But it is a privilege to love.  It is a privilege, as Christians, to be a part of God's will.

I recently was added to a closed Facebook group- full of people adopting kids listed on Reece's Rainbow.

I am humbled by the love I see displayed.  Tough love.  Love that chooses the child who is 8 yrs old and has lived their entire life in a crib.  Love that brings home the 3 yr old with such a severe infection- from medical neglect- that the infection will take their life.  Love that knows it will be hard, knows it will be uncomfortable, knows it would be so much easier to see people as a temporary problem...but they look- and see Jesus.

They see themselves, unwanted, unchosen, unlovable- and they see a Savior- who came, and chose, and loved.

We are the hands and feet.

Someday every wrong will be made right. And I cling to that promise.

But here on Earth, right now, we are given the honor- given the privilege- of being the body of Christ.

We all remember those trendy- WWJD bracelets... And no one likes to say it anymore because...well it's just not cool.
But seriously... WHAT WOULD JESUS DO?

I know I could be inconvenienced a lot more often- be made a lot more uncomfortable- let go of a lot more temporary..

And, I could love people a whole lot more than I do.

i800a

It's Tuesday night, which means I am sitting outside of Bea's dance class. Timmy got home in time for me to leave the other kids at home- which means I have a solid half hour of free time. Wahoo!

We are still waiting for i800a approval(USCIS).  We were finger printed Friday, which was quicker than we expected (yay!).  BUT last Tuesday we got a dreaded pink paper in the mail from USCIS- Request for Evidence.

Which means, there was something more they needed from us to complete our application.

It turns out there were two things left out of our home study.  Two silly little statements- but they are required to be in our home study.

SO that Tuesday began a really long week for me.

 I am very aware that any delay with USCIS- can become a long  delay- so upon getting the- pardon me- stupid pink paper- I flew into action. Contacting USCIS- our home study agency- and our placement agency.  So that we could (and I say we- but really there is nothing I can do to get this done...which is super annoying, frustrating, sad...pick your depressive adjective... for me)- get this sent in asap. And avoid, hopefully, a delay.

Well, it has been a week and there is pretty much no chance this won't delay us by a couple weeks.  Which unfortunately can have a bigger consequence, because the ministry in Marla's country, closes from mid July to end of September... And with no delays...We could have been so close to making it.

We have to travel beginning of April- if we have any chance (still a long shot) of getting her in July.  If not... October will be the soonest we can bring her home.

I know everything will work out in perfect timing.  It doesn't stop me from wanting to hurry the process along.

I am feeling tired this week.  Drained, actually.  Constantly checking my phone- waiting for our social worker to tell me our updated home study has been submitted.

It seemed like they were going to mail it last Friday- but now it is Tuesday- and despite several emails yesterday- a phone call this afternoon- and finally a (not as nice) email sent this evening- when it was clear- no one would be getting in touch with me today... there's been no word of when/or if they have mailed in the additional evidence to USCIS.

Don't worry, the email wasn't mean. Just no exclamation marks... and an admission that I am worried... which for me, is a pretty cool email.

So if you want, pray for a speedy process in getting this approval.  And my sanity, while I struggle with waiting on other people! 

I laugh, but I am really struggling, and would appreciate some prayers.

Bea's class is over, and she is headed my way.  I will try to write again soon!

I'm sitting in Bethel's Community Center- waiting for Bea to finish her first dance class.  Of course, she is all decked out in full dance attire, for a class that will- no doubt consist of glorified jumping and hand clapping.

But, you gotta start somewhere, right? And while her moves are questionable- her heart is all in.

Bea asked me if she could take dance class, a couple weeks ago.

She asked me-- because I'm her mom. And from the day her life started I have been there.  I've been there to feed her, to clothe her, to carry her around (even when vacuuming would have been SO much easier without her on my hip...), to tuck her into bed, to read her stories, to tie her shoes, to tickle her, to run with her, to color with her, to count with her... and the list goes on.  Her days start and end with me- being there. With me loving her.

Dexer, Beatrix, and Simon wake each day, and go to bed every night, to warmth-- security-- love.  

Since beginning this adoption process- so much has changed for me.

I still wake up in the mornings and love Dex, Bea, and Simon.  My days are still filled with all of the little things- that make me their mom.   And, my days end with bedtime baths, stories, prayers, and snuggles... And let's face it sometimes tears and tantrums.

My days have not changed, but they feel very different.

I wake up each day and go to sleep every night- knowing Dex, Bea, and Simon are warm, safe, and content.  I feel so blessed, but I also feel a persistent ache in my chest.

Somewhere far away, a little girl, who I have never met but love, wakes each day and goes to sleep every night.

Is she warm?  Is she hungry?  Did anyone show her love today?

I don't know.

It won't be too long and she will be warm, secure, loved, and snuggled up down the hall from where I sleep.

She will be 2 years old, but brand new to the experience of family.  She won't know me.  She won't understand what I say.  She won't know if she cries at night I'll come to her.  She won't know that she can depend on me.

I won't know her whole story,  I won't know everywhere she has been, I won't know the reasons for certain behaviors, I won't know, without trial and error, the best way to make her feel secure.

I imagine my days, suddenly, will both- feel and look different.  Change is coming- for Marla, for me, for Timmy, Dex, Bea, and Simon.

When Marla is finally home, I wonder if I won't resemble Beatrix at her first dance class.  Excited, ready...but with so much to learn.

I can only hope that while my dancing, may in fact, look suspiciously like jumping... There is never any doubt as to why I move-- My heart is all in.

Waiting

It's been a while since my last post.  The holiday season is a crazy one and I have let this slide. Sorry!

I have exciting news!  Our completed notarized home study came in the mail this week....which means we are on to our next step!  Filling out an i800a-an application that is sent to US immigration.  We need USCIS approval before sending in our dossier.
I am waiting on a couple supporting documents that need to be included with our i800a.  I should have the complete application ready to be mailed January 2nd!!!  Then we will wait...

There seems to be quite a bit of waiting.  Unfortunately, waiting is not something I am very good at.

This week I watched a documentary- Bulgaria's Abandoned Children. It is from 2007 and shows the condition of an orphanage in Bulgaria and what life is like for the orphans living there.

I put a link to the documentary on facebook.  I know it is long- but if you wonder at all about the plight of orphans-check it out if only to see the footage shot at 73:40-  it shows a girl- then a picture of her- then a picture of the same girl, when she first arrived at the orphanage, is placed over her current picture.

 Twelve years between those two pictures.  Twelve years of hunger- pain- isolation.

The facility was closed in 2009.  There is an article link below the video- where you can see where some of the kids are now and how they have improved.  And they have improved!

Many homes for orphans are still open. Our little girl is in one.  And no, they are not all like the orphanage in this video. Some are better.  But right now, someone I know through Reece's Rainbow is in Eastern Europe- hoping to travel home soon with her newly adopted 8 year old.

Her little girl who doesn't quite weigh ten pounds.

It's hard to wait because I've seen what life can be like for these children.

The orphaned babies are often in nicer institutions until they are moved- as young as 3 yrs- to a different place.

It is hard to think about and even harder to watch (the documentary), but these little lives- in a way- depend on someone seeing them.

I want to say this... There are workers at the orphanages who genuinely care for the children.  There are workers who do not BUT there are workers who do.  In either case they so often do not have the resources to properly care for the children.

If you watch the documentary, the problem is much deeper than the care given at the orphanages.  There is a general mind set that these children are born "diseased".  The malnutrition and neglect are not contributing to their sickness- but a symptom of their disease.  They are born this way.

There is also a reliance on government and an almost blind loyalty to the government.

 Children who are sent to the hospital- are returned with no treatment.  Their healthcare is covered by the government, but in many places they are simply not treated.  So they stop taking them to the hospital and fractured bones are left to mend on their own.

This world is broken.

And this season I feel like I'm waiting.

Hope has come.  Light has come.  Joy has come.  Love has come.

I celebrate Christmas.  Saved because a Savior came.

And I wait.

I wait for Him.

With the Hope, Light, Joy, and Love He has given.