It's safe to say I never expected to be adopting again so soon. Actually, I vividly remember standing in a small apartment far away from home, trying to calm/dodge the blows of a headbanging...thrashing....smelly Martina...and saying to Timmy, "I can't do this".
I remember sitting in the shower (there was no bath((which has been my safe place since I was little)) so I blocked the drain and tried to regroup in 2 inches of water...) frantically praying, reading the bible, googling bible studies that deal with fear... and saying over and over again to God, "I can't do this."
Those twelve days were the worst. Just the worst. I was so scared, and lonely, and to be "ugly honest" I was angry. It was NOT what I had planned. I should have been better at this- God called me to adoption.
I missed my babies at home (bad), Tina was withdrawing from sedation medication and did not sleep- like at all. She didn't want to be held- she wouldn't stop slamming her head on things and I felt isolated and trapped in a tiny apartment in a foreign country.
For the record I know this doesn't paint me in the best light. But it is honest.
And it turns out I was right...I couldn't do it.
I'm not sure when God spoke into my crazy heart, but He did. And do you know what He said to my cries of, "I can't do this!"?
He said, "I know."
Martina has been home for ten months. My little girl who couldn't sit, hated to be touched, and wouldn't look at me when I spoke to her- follows me around the house, reaches to be held, and looks when I say her name. She is loving, and stubborn, and so full of joy. I can't imagine my life without her.
And I am thankful each day that even though I can't do it- I have a God who says, "But I can."
The night before we left Bulgaria with Martina- I didn't sleep- shocker. I was trying so hard to imagine what life would be like once we got home- and I was terrified. I couldn't focus my mind to pray- words were crashing all around in my sleep deprived brain- but I needed to talk to God. I needed to affirm what was true and focus on Who was there, right there, in that tiny apartment, in that foreign place, with me. A good and faithful God.
So I picked up a pen and a scrap of paper and wrote to God.
Today I was sitting at the piano- messing around with a melody for the words I wrote 10 months ago in Bulgaria. Teeny was next to me, adding her notes to mine- and I didn't immediately make the connection. Then she laid her head on my arm and I choked up. In Bulgaria I talked with God about His faithfulness when I felt like I was drowning... and now here I am safe on shore playing piano with one of my biggest blessings.
I set my phone up to record us as we played. This is a hobby of mine and the music is technically awful- but it's not about that. I planned on just sharing with Timmy, but he and I think it's too sweet of a moment not to share.
He has called Timmy and I, again, to adoption. He has broken our hearts for Roman, and squished him in there so that we love him already and will work diligently to bring him home.
I'm excited to see where God is leading us- trusting all the while that He is leading us closer to Him.