Wednesday, January 13, 2016

I'm sitting in Bethel's Community Center- waiting for Bea to finish her first dance class.  Of course, she is all decked out in full dance attire, for a class that will- no doubt consist of glorified jumping and hand clapping.

But, you gotta start somewhere, right? And while her moves are questionable- her heart is all in.

Bea asked me if she could take dance class, a couple weeks ago.

She asked me-- because I'm her mom. And from the day her life started I have been there.  I've been there to feed her, to clothe her, to carry her around (even when vacuuming would have been SO much easier without her on my hip...), to tuck her into bed, to read her stories, to tie her shoes, to tickle her, to run with her, to color with her, to count with her... and the list goes on.  Her days start and end with me- being there. With me loving her.

Dexer, Beatrix, and Simon wake each day, and go to bed every night, to warmth-- security-- love.  

Since beginning this adoption process- so much has changed for me.

I still wake up in the mornings and love Dex, Bea, and Simon.  My days are still filled with all of the little things- that make me their mom.   And, my days end with bedtime baths, stories, prayers, and snuggles... And let's face it sometimes tears and tantrums.

My days have not changed, but they feel very different.

I wake up each day and go to sleep every night- knowing Dex, Bea, and Simon are warm, safe, and content.  I feel so blessed, but I also feel a persistent ache in my chest.

Somewhere far away, a little girl, who I have never met but love, wakes each day and goes to sleep every night.

Is she warm?  Is she hungry?  Did anyone show her love today?

I don't know.

It won't be too long and she will be warm, secure, loved, and snuggled up down the hall from where I sleep.

She will be 2 years old, but brand new to the experience of family.  She won't know me.  She won't understand what I say.  She won't know if she cries at night I'll come to her.  She won't know that she can depend on me.

I won't know her whole story,  I won't know everywhere she has been, I won't know the reasons for certain behaviors, I won't know, without trial and error, the best way to make her feel secure.

I imagine my days, suddenly, will both- feel and look different.  Change is coming- for Marla, for me, for Timmy, Dex, Bea, and Simon.

When Marla is finally home, I wonder if I won't resemble Beatrix at her first dance class.  Excited, ready...but with so much to learn.

I can only hope that while my dancing, may in fact, look suspiciously like jumping... There is never any doubt as to why I move-- My heart is all in.