Love never fails

There is a lot on my mind right now- so I'm just going to jump right in.  Sometimes I try (and I stress, try) to write with a clear objective in mind of what I want to say...that will not be today!

I miss Marla.  I really do.  I don't know her very well yet, and we didn't have much time with her, but I miss her.

I've loved her since we committed to adopting her- and I have longed for her to be home, for just as long.

But this missing her business-- is new.

Now that I have spent time with her, I can picture her here in our home.  I can envision the many different ways she will fit into this family.  Her family.

We have only a handful of memories of Marla... and from the few, I can't help but look forward to making countless more.

Our visit was difficult.  Of course it was.

The experience of being in an orphanage and meeting your two yr old daughter for the first time- is a foreign one. (Pun...a little bit intended).

Combine that with the uncertainty of pretty much everything...(ya I'm going to go with everything) in adoption.  And you can imagine why I say the trip was difficult.

It was wonderful.  Mixed in with the difficult-  are some irreplaceable, beautiful, at times hilarious memories of meeting Marla.

She was unused to being held and it showed.  I had to keep placing her legs, just so, around my hip.  I had to show her how to be held.  She really wasn't having any of that, on the first day.

On the third day, in the early afternoon she was getting a little fussy, so I picked her up.  I turned some music on (she seriously loves music), sang, and rocked her/danced with her around the room.

That day she layed her head on my shoulder.  That day I did for her, what I have done countless times for her brothers and sister- I rocked her to sleep.

There are a lot of little loves in orphanages, who have never been rocked to sleep.

This was a difficult month, 3 little ones listed on Reece's Rainbow passed away- two had families working to bring them home.

I will never forget the first time I saw Cristoff's picture.  It's not an easy sight to forget.  A small boy, with down syndrome, very clearly malnourished, a bleak profile--  a crib baby.

 I saw him, and my first thought was how much being loved would change him.  How he could thrive in a family who claimed him as their own.  I prayed for someone to see the beautiful boy, hidden behind years of neglect, and recognize him as their son.

I remember telling Timmy that if he was still waiting after we got Marla home... I couldn't just leave him there.

Then his family found him, and I was ecstatic.

Cristoff passed away, about a week after his family committed to bringing him home.

I'm so thankful to everyone who has supported us as we work toward bringing Marla home.  I really can't say that enough.

Some may wonder why anyone would commit to adopting before having all the funds necessary to complete the adoption.

http://covenantbuilders.blogspot.com/2016/07/which-one-would-you-leave-behind.html?m=1

We have been asked that question before, and I think this post does an excellent job of answering that question.

It also shows you pictures from a RR reunion- and points you toward the idea of committing $5 a month to adopting RR families.

Cristoff pops into my head pretty much every day at random moments.

I used to wonder how love would change him- never realizing that loving Cristoff would change me.  This sweet boy, so far away, so unaware, broke my heart.

And as I look to my heavenly father for comfort- I get to imagine the comfort Cristoff now feels, wrapped in the loving arms of the perfect Father.

As a parent, sometimes I am tempted to let my failures define me.

 There are days I put my kids to bed, and I dance down the stairs to freedom.

Bribery is a daily occurrence in our house...because candy is an excellent motivator, and I really just don't care how much of it they eat.  (That's right...move on)

I threw away Dexter's alphabet book he worked on throughout this whole preschool school year.  I hid it beneath all the other garbage because I knew if he saw it he would cry... I did it anyway.

I have taught them nothing as far as school skills go.  My kids can count and do the abcs, because of kid shows and church leaders.

I am not a morning person, and because I am not a morning person- Dexter and Bea either get their own cereal or you know... if there are cookies- we deem those acceptable breakfast food.

I'm not proud of any of these things listed above, and some days I feel like I have really blown it as a mom.

http://www.ransomforisrael.com/mommy-fails/

This is a link to a great post written by a very talented writer.  I have read it more than a few times- as I struggle with feelings of failure as a parent- and have worried about being a good mom for Marla.

Love never fails...

Meeting Marla

It is difficult to write about meeting Marla- there were and are just so many different emotions involved.

When we arrived at the orphanage we went directly to the social worker's office.  We were supposed to meet with the orphanage director- but she was gone the entire week we visited.  This may have been a blessing as I have heard she is cold, and I have a low tolerance for jerks.  

During this brief meeting we listened as the social worker told us how the director, Marla' s Dr., and her physical therapist were all away on vacation- and we wouldn't be meeting them.

It was made abundantly clear in a matter of minutes, that there was no one present in the orphanage who knew Marla.  It was upsetting.

BUT we hadn't even met Marla yet!  So any negative emotion, that news may have evoked, was buried deep under excitement.

We just sat there, staring at the door...

Then Marla was carried in and put in my arms.  It was awesome and even a little terrifying.  Life changing moments are often scary and there is no doubt many things are about to change.

We took her outside (away from the social worker) to give ourselves a moment alone with her- give ourselves some time to really see her.  

The moment we got outside and snapped ourselves out the shock of finally meeting her- so many things were immediately realized.  

She can't yet walk or place any weight on her legs, but she can move her legs. She doesn't know how to be held.  Her vision is impaired.  Her head is flat.  She can't sit.  

She smiles when you touch her face. 

Complete honesty... at that moment I wanted to weep.  I wanted to grieve the realization that she has been neglected and left in a crib for far too many hours of the day.  I wanted to stomp my feet and scream- all out rage- that she had clearly been sedated before being placed in my arms.  

And by the time our first visit was nearing its end- my face hurt from holding a smile- and my head ached from the onslaught of emotions I couldn't freely express.  

And part of me longed for the comfortable.  That's right, a selfish, completely disgusting part of me, wished I was home and not in an orphanage in Eastern Europe.

But she smiles when you touch her face. And she cocks her head, in the cutest way, when she hears music.  

She will celebrate her second birthday in a few weeks- and she has never had a home.

I can't wait to bring her home.

When we got back to our hotel after our first visit- and I could finally give voice to the experiences of the day.  I remember looking at Timmy and saying, " I love her, I do.  So much.  And this is really hard."  

I struggle with ending the post this way, but I wanted to share with you a real picture of our first day with Marla.

God is great.  Love is enough.  I am blessed to love Marla and to be her mom.  Adoption is hard.