Waiting

It's been a while since my last post.  The holiday season is a crazy one and I have let this slide. Sorry!

I have exciting news!  Our completed notarized home study came in the mail this week....which means we are on to our next step!  Filling out an i800a-an application that is sent to US immigration.  We need USCIS approval before sending in our dossier.
I am waiting on a couple supporting documents that need to be included with our i800a.  I should have the complete application ready to be mailed January 2nd!!!  Then we will wait...

There seems to be quite a bit of waiting.  Unfortunately, waiting is not something I am very good at.

This week I watched a documentary- Bulgaria's Abandoned Children. It is from 2007 and shows the condition of an orphanage in Bulgaria and what life is like for the orphans living there.

I put a link to the documentary on facebook.  I know it is long- but if you wonder at all about the plight of orphans-check it out if only to see the footage shot at 73:40-  it shows a girl- then a picture of her- then a picture of the same girl, when she first arrived at the orphanage, is placed over her current picture.

 Twelve years between those two pictures.  Twelve years of hunger- pain- isolation.

The facility was closed in 2009.  There is an article link below the video- where you can see where some of the kids are now and how they have improved.  And they have improved!

Many homes for orphans are still open. Our little girl is in one.  And no, they are not all like the orphanage in this video. Some are better.  But right now, someone I know through Reece's Rainbow is in Eastern Europe- hoping to travel home soon with her newly adopted 8 year old.

Her little girl who doesn't quite weigh ten pounds.

It's hard to wait because I've seen what life can be like for these children.

The orphaned babies are often in nicer institutions until they are moved- as young as 3 yrs- to a different place.

It is hard to think about and even harder to watch (the documentary), but these little lives- in a way- depend on someone seeing them.

I want to say this... There are workers at the orphanages who genuinely care for the children.  There are workers who do not BUT there are workers who do.  In either case they so often do not have the resources to properly care for the children.

If you watch the documentary, the problem is much deeper than the care given at the orphanages.  There is a general mind set that these children are born "diseased".  The malnutrition and neglect are not contributing to their sickness- but a symptom of their disease.  They are born this way.

There is also a reliance on government and an almost blind loyalty to the government.

 Children who are sent to the hospital- are returned with no treatment.  Their healthcare is covered by the government, but in many places they are simply not treated.  So they stop taking them to the hospital and fractured bones are left to mend on their own.

This world is broken.

And this season I feel like I'm waiting.

Hope has come.  Light has come.  Joy has come.  Love has come.

I celebrate Christmas.  Saved because a Savior came.

And I wait.

I wait for Him.

With the Hope, Light, Joy, and Love He has given.

The cost of adoption

I've thought about writing this post for some time, but I have been kind of dreading it.  Even today, I was laying with Bea at my parents' house... eating a long john (from Trax Farms- SO good) and reading my mom's Shape magazine (the irony is not lost on me), thinking about writing this post.  I decided to write it after I finished my treat.  I may have taken an unnecessarily long time eating the donut- although it is more like the size of 2 regular donuts... And none of this matters.

One of the questions we get asked the most is, how much the adoption is going to cost.  So I'm going to write about the cost of our adoption and how we will pay for it.

Our adoption is expected to cost around 35,000 dollars.  Which is a lot of money- not many people have an extra 35,000 dollars.

 The initial reaction is often outrage that adoption is so expensive.  There are so many children in need of homes and so many people with homes who want children.  So.... ya know.  It seems like it shouldn't be so complicated.  And at first look, that is how it seems.  But what I have come to realize is- brace yourselves- 35,000 dollars is not that much money.

When you have a detailed break down of where the money goes and what it accomplishes- it is an understandable amount.  There are a lot of people- different organizations, agencies, and 2 governments involved in the adoption process.  Although expensive, and what at times can feel like endless paperwork...
The alternative- an adoption not so strictly regulated would be less safe for the orphans and leave the door to corruption wide open.

We are fortunate to be adopting from a Hague convention country

So..the reason I have not been looking forward to this post is because no one loves talking about money.  It makes me feel a little nervous- seriously if you could see me right now- my shoulders are scrunched up to my ears.

I'm not sure if that's a normal reaction... Anyway, my fear is that I may unintentionally offend someone.  Money tends to be a sensitive subject.. And-

Here's the thing, I'm a straight talker.  I call things like I see them and honesty rarely offends me.

We don't have 35,000 dollars.  The last 3 yrs we have tried to save as much as we could.  And not like on top of our retirement funds or in addition to our savings account.  But like, What savings account? We have an adoption account. We are (pretty) confident that we will be able to, without taking out a loan, pay 20,000 dollars of the adoption fees.

The rest we will hopefully raise with support of friends and family, a yet to be determined fundraiser, and adoption grants.

Our support letters are almost ready to be mailed out.  If I am going to be honest, which we have already established- I am.  Ugh, I so wish this wasn't a necessary step.  Asking for prayer support- YES, great, let's do it. Asking for financial support... slightly harder.

I really don't think it is a pride thing for me- so much as I know how hard everyone works and I feel bad asking you to make a sacrifice for my family. And I know that everything is a gift from God- finances most definitely included- but still asking.  Asking is hard.  Receiving is hard.

We have already seen such generosity from friends and family- generosity of funds and generosity of spirit, of encouragement, of "Hey we are SO excited for you and we want you to know we are praying."-- and every time it is surprising, and overwhelming- beautiful and humbling. A direct answer to prayer- a powerful reminder of the goodness and faithfulness of our God.

And that is the BEST.  Just the best feeling.

But it is also hard. Because so often I am not very good and so often I am unfaithful.  And it has always been a struggle for me to be given SO much more than what I deserve.

But Hallelujah- God is not limited by my limitations. God is not limited by my limitations. God is not limited by my limitations.

Sometimes I like to repeat that over and over again..

Reece's Rainbow

I reached out to my friend who had recently adopted a little boy.  She was so helpful and SO excited for us.  Her plate had to have been full but she made the time to tell me how they started their adoption.  I was already familiar with Reece's Rainbow and when she assured me it was ok to reach out to them directly.  I did.

Reece's Rainbow is a non profit organization that advocates for children with down syndrome and other special needs.  Reece's Rainbow is awesome.  I contacted them and inquired about a little boy with down syndrome listed on their waiting children page.  RR then connected me with an adoption agency who informed me the little boy had already found his family.  This was wonderful news to hear.  The only part of this news that was hard for us was that we had to inquire about another child...

The hardest part for Tim and I was inquiring about a child.  It was impossible to look at little faces waiting for a family...and pick one.  There could be no wrong choice.

When we inquired about the little boy we did so mainly because he had the least amount of information listed on the website.  You may wonder why that would influence us.  I am going to share why- and I am doing so to give you an honest look at how we approached this part of the adoption process.  It is by no means the only way and I'm sure some would argue it is not the right way- BUT it is the way we handled this aspect of adopting.

When we made the decision to adopt we asked ourselves

How will this decision affect our family?

And

What child could we love and provide for?

The first question was easy, we knew we were called to adopt- of course adopting would affect our family but we were and are confident that God has a perfect plan for our family.

The second question was also easy.  Any child.  We will love and provide for any child God gives us.  The answer is easy.

Then we started looking at children on RR's website.  We cried a lot...well I cried a lot- because I was the one looking through... Timmy couldn't even look.  We wanted to move forward but this step was the most difficult.

RR primarily lists children with down syndrome, but they also list other children with other special needs.  All of the children listed have special needs. We purposefully contacted RR- this is where we felt led.  The challenge is we are human and whereas we will love and be ecstatic about the child God gives us- it was hard to see past the needs- to the children.  Because we know that their special needs do not define them.

But how do you stop your mind from traveling certain paths?  The cost of proper medical care, the challenges to a child who can not walk, the patience required to tend and nurture the emotionally or physically abused.

NONE of those things take away from the value of a child- from the gift of a child- from the child designed by God.

The issue for Tim and I was... we didn't choose the 3 kids we have and we didn't want to choose our next kid either.

SO... we purposefully asked about the little boy whose only line written was- has down syndrome.  Not because we were afraid to know or didn't want to prepare...but because we already were prepared.  And all those voices, with all those questions of worry- were not the voice we needed to be listening to.

If we trusted in God's call to adopt we had to trust that He had already given us the child we are meant to have.  (I know the tenses are messed up in the previous sentence...but it is what I mean..)

And because our God is SO good- before Tim and I could inquire about a different child one was referred to us.

Our adoption agency sent an email with the subject, "How about her?"

Before clicking on the link provided to take us to Marla's bio-  our answer was YES.  By the end of that week our commitment papers to adopt Marla were sent.

God is good, always

So I left things unresolved yesterday. Partly because I was tired of thinking/writing...and partly because the struggle to understand, was a real struggle for me.

 God is good.  God is faithful.  God provides.  God is love.

Children are hungry.  Children are dirty.  Children are neglected.

The question has been asked by many, If God is good why do bad things happen?

The answer is simple and one I have given many times-- sin.  Sin is why.

Seeing children suffer led me to rethink this simple answer.

Seeing hunger, seeing unimaginable neglect, made me question the simplicity of this answer.  Because suddenly my soul was crying, "Why God, why?"

I've wondered if part of the problem lies in my upbringing.  The fact that I have never wanted for anything. Maybe...

Maybe because I have always taken comfort in Matthew 6

25 "Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? 

26 Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? 

27Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life ? 

28 "And why do you worry about clothes? See how the lilies of the field grow. They do not labor or spin.

29 Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. 

30 If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? 

I have a history of anxiety- which may be why I have always been drawn to these verses. It's comforting, right?  

It speaks to the worrier in me!  

I have always read it as- God's got this- relax- you are silly for worrying- everything will work out.  

But like I said above, I have never wanted for anything. 

 It wasn't until hunger and nakedness stood in front of me, that I wondered...How have I misinterpreted these verses? 

To help you picture things, I will tell you this.  My prayer for some was, "Lord send someone to love them, send someone to feed them and clothe them, and hold them-- Or God take them.  Let them be loved and fed and clothed by You."

The needs were great.

What was I missing?  This wasn't a question of wanting a certain kind of food, or brand name clothing.  This was a need for nourishment and protection.  

I think it important I tell you, that through this struggle I have never doubted God's existence or the relationship I have with Him.  It was during this time of searching that I felt His presence stronger than ever before.

He was with me every painful, heartbreaking step of the way.  Encouraging me to seek Him for truth.  To trust Him and not my emotions (which were all over the place...I'm very emotional...).  To find Him in the midst of my struggle to understand.  

And it came to me.  An answer- not found in online commentary made by people MUCH smarter than I- but in His still small voice.

"You're missing Me"

And I was.  I missed Him.  

"Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes?"

JoLynne, isn't the unseen more important than the seen?  Isn't the kingdom of God more important than earthly things?  Isn't the eternal more important than the temporary?

The scripture to me suddenly read differently. 

 It wasn't saying our needs would be met here on earth- it was saying our true need lies in Him.

Our need... is a need for a Savior.

Because our sin wages death.

Why do bad things happen?  Why are there children hungry? Broken? Unwanted?

Because of sin.  The answer is simple.  

It's just a hard answer to hear. 

And it has left me looking at the destruction sin causes, asking...Now what?

Orphans

Every child is made to be loved, protected, taken care of.  Newborns very beings are fragile and incapable of self reliance.  Designed to be loved by the ones who brought them into the world.

This was the plan.  It is a perfect plan. But we are imperfect people.

Along with our opportunity to choose God, came our opportunity to choose sin.

Sin separates us from God.  Separates us from our Heavenly Father.  Sin seeks to make us all orphans.  And we too, no matter our age, are incapable of being self reliant.  We are fragile.

We were created by our Heavenly Father to love Him and be loved by Him.  We were not created to be orphans.

But sin... Sin separates us from God.

Fortunately for us, our Maker is indeed perfect--  perfect in love-- perfect in mercy-- perfect in grace.  He did not leave us irreconcilable in our sin.  He provided a way to Him.  Jesus.

I was lost to my sinful nature.

I can only claim the title, child of God, because Jesus found me.  He sought me. He sacrificed for me.  He changed my name from sinner to saved.  He calls me daughter, and I am not an orphan anymore.

Sorry for the lengthy, perhaps, seemingly off subject writing.  I think it will make sense as I share more(in this post and others) about our journey.  AND if it doesn't...well I did warn you I was going to be a bad blogger...

As Tim and I talked and talked and prayed and prayed and prayed....and prayed about adopting-- my relationship with God became stronger. Funny how prayer can do that.

Prior to beginning the adoption process, I was really struggling.  A recent trip, that provided a glimpse into the circumstances of orphans, left me shaken.  Left me questioning.  Not the existence of God, or even my personal relationship with Him...but left me questioning Him.  Left me trying to reconcile the things I know to be true...with the things I had seen.

God is good.  God is faithful.  God is love.  God does provide.

Children are dirty.  Children are hungry.  Children aren't being loved.

I'm going to stop here before this post gets any longer.

I will definitely speak more about the answers God has given me- and about the questions He has allowed to go unanswered.

He knows.  All my days were written in His book before one of them came to be. I can rest, secure in His promises-- secure in who He is.

More Story

I'm going to share a little bit about the more recent steps in our adoption journey.

Timmy and I have talked about wanting to adopt, since we got married seven years ago.  At that time it was just an idea- a future plan- something to dream about.  We were too young and financially unstable to put serious thought into it.  But the thing is- time passed-- we got older-- and we knew that if we were serious about adoption it had to become more than just an idea.  Still, we were waiting.

A friend I graduated high school with recently adopted a little boy.

I will never forget seeing her announcement on facebook.  It floored me.  At this point the call to adopt was loud, it was clear, it hurt.  The invitation to step out of the boat had been issued, and I was plastered on the deck, with my eyes closed and hands covering my ears...chanting, "No,no,no".

I wanted to take that step-- I wanted to bring the orphan home... but the fear. The fear was real.

Although now old enough to adopt, I still felt pretty young.  Although Timmy was secure in a job, the cost of adoption seemed great.

And then here-- was a couple the same age as Tim and I-- in a similar life situation-- with the same God given call to adopt.  And their answer was YES.

Timmy and I got to watch their story unfold.  We got to see God do amazing things in the lives of our friend's family. When we were shaking with fear in the boat-- we were given a visual reminder of the greatness of our God.

We got to see Jesus walk on water.

And suddenly, stepping out of the boat didn't seem so scary.

Our Home Visit

Yesterday we had our home visit which is needed to complete our home study.

For those who don't know- a home visit is when a social worker comes to your house and then does a report on the information they gathered during their visit.

Even though we have three kids, and I feel we are raising them in a comfortable home, I was nervous for this visit.  We never really did any baby proofing in our house.  We subscribe to more of a relaxed parenting style.  Of course, we gate steps or make sure the basement door is closed, and it's not like we leave knives and Clorox bottles laying around.  BUT our kitchen drawers open freely, our outlets are uncovered, and even though we have had a toy car "disrupt" our plumbing, our toilet is not latched closed. (With the ages of our kids- there would be pee everywhere)

Prior to the visit, I did some googling, as anxious people are bound to do.  It did NOT comfort me.  Shocking right?

On a totally unrelated note-- Our house now has a smoke detector in every room, two carbon monoxide detectors, three fire extinguishers, our outlets are covered, our medicine cabinet is secure, our doors with questionably toxic cleaning supplies have annoying knobs, and never have the door crevices been so dust free. (That last one is a little weird, but the night before I suddenly noticed all the dust on our doors... )

When our lovely social worker arrived she had the kids show her upstairs and she took a look around our main floor...

She did not demand to see the safety measures we had taken because of the children in the house, she didn't demand to see a printed copy of our fire plan (which I don't have...), she didn't even notice how clean our bedroom doors were.  It was almost like she was more concerned with the kind of people we were and whether or not we would love any child we were blessed with...more than the items on my downloaded How to Prepare for Your Home Visit book.

Our kids wrestled and ran around the whole time she was in our home.  It did not faze her at all.

My past medical history of depression and anxiety, that I was so worried about-- was a non issue.

She even knew a member of our church because he was her daughter's favorite teacher.

It could not have gone better.

Meet Marla

Here she is! And did you notice the post title... I'm doing a bit better than yesterday.

For this post I am going to provide the link to our Family Support Page- where you can read more about our story.

http://reecesrainbow.org/99292/sponsorkronenberger

TBA

Hi.  I have been sitting here staring at a blank screen wondering where to begin.  I can't even come up with a Post title...I'm going to be an awful blogger.

SO for now the title is TBA (Any Arrested Development fans?).

We have big news.  Exciting news! Timmy and I have made the decision to grow our family through adoption.  It is a decision that we've been wrestling with for quite some time.

It's a big decision.  I want to tell you how God has called us to adopt-- how He has led us down this road.  BUT I can't find the words.

How do I describe the years of God working on our hearts?  The certainty that we are meant to do this?

This is the part of the conversation where if we were face to face- I would laugh nervously and say quickly how our hearts have been broken for these children without parents.  Which is true-- BUT that answer is so much less than what God has been doing in our lives.  SO much less.  In person you would naturally be distracted by my rapid arm movements and squeaky voice- and you would not notice that I didn't say much.

 This post is quickly confirming that I talk... alot...but I don't say much.

I don't share the tricky emotions, the genuine condition, of my heart very often.  Sharing our story of adoption is going to be challenging for me.  It's personal. But God is working in awesome ways and I want to share that with you.  I really do.  You'll just have to bear with me.  (Or not, you don't have to read this)

Tomorrow I will tell you about the newest member of our family and our efforts to bring her home! :)

-Jo