Waiting for court

There hasn't been too much to report.  We are SO close to the finish line (or starting line- depending on how you look at it.)

This lingo may be lost on some, but we have our article 5 signature and have been assigned a judge.

We are waiting (ugh waiting) on a court date.  What's coming next?  Well...

We will be assigned a court date (hopefully assigned this week AND for a date that is within a few weeks!)

Once we pass court we will travel to pick our girl up about 4-6 weeks later.

We are hoping to travel in November- it could possibly be sooner... and of course it could be later.

My mom has a picture of "Marla"  on her fridge- it is the referral picture we were given when we first committed to adopt.  She is about 9 months in the picture.

When we met M she was 23 months and no longer the same baby from her referral picture.

When we pick her up she will be 5 months older than last we saw her.

She turned 2 several months ago.

When we first began the process of adopting M- I knew it would take time to get her home.  But for some reason I never thought about all the time we would miss.

In my mind I hit pause on 9 month old M.  Then a social worker walked in carrying an almost 2 yr old.  It was like someone hit fast forward... and I have missed SO much.

She's growing up- not only that- but she is growing up in a place children shouldn't grow up- and to be perfectly honest children don't grow up there. They die.  Or they get transferred to an adult institution where they live the rest of their lives hungry and alone waiting for relief.   That's not dramatic, that is fact.

M's home right now is dark and quiet. She is lonely and hungry.  And time is not her friend.

As I count the minutes of my day in traffic jams, packing lunches, pushing a swing, reading a book- her days blur and merge in a fog of time spent alone in a crib.

I pray for time to quicken- so that I can get her home sooner...because each day spent in that orphanage will threaten her flame. Will dim her light...Will encourage her to detach herself from the world around her.

And now it feels like I am battling to get to her in time... in time for her to have an easier time attaching, in time for her to learn how to chew, in time for her to have her best chance at corrective medical procedures for her eyes... and the list really does go on.

I just want to get there in time.

Yes, we've been here before on this blog.  If this sounds familiar- it's because it is.  I want to get there in MY time.  And it is super hard for me to trust in God's timing.

I trust in God. Absolutely.  And if He could do this, this, and this by next Tuesday- that would be great. HA.  I'm the worst.  It is really hard to wait.





SO in the middle of writing this blog post... I got an email from our adoption agency.  WE HAVE COURT.  September 27th.

That is "next Tuesday" by the way.  God is good ALL the time.

Love never fails

There is a lot on my mind right now- so I'm just going to jump right in.  Sometimes I try (and I stress, try) to write with a clear objective in mind of what I want to say...that will not be today!

I miss Marla.  I really do.  I don't know her very well yet, and we didn't have much time with her, but I miss her.

I've loved her since we committed to adopting her- and I have longed for her to be home, for just as long.

But this missing her business-- is new.

Now that I have spent time with her, I can picture her here in our home.  I can envision the many different ways she will fit into this family.  Her family.

We have only a handful of memories of Marla... and from the few, I can't help but look forward to making countless more.

Our visit was difficult.  Of course it was.

The experience of being in an orphanage and meeting your two yr old daughter for the first time- is a foreign one. (Pun...a little bit intended).

Combine that with the uncertainty of pretty much everything...(ya I'm going to go with everything) in adoption.  And you can imagine why I say the trip was difficult.

It was wonderful.  Mixed in with the difficult-  are some irreplaceable, beautiful, at times hilarious memories of meeting Marla.

She was unused to being held and it showed.  I had to keep placing her legs, just so, around my hip.  I had to show her how to be held.  She really wasn't having any of that, on the first day.

On the third day, in the early afternoon she was getting a little fussy, so I picked her up.  I turned some music on (she seriously loves music), sang, and rocked her/danced with her around the room.

That day she layed her head on my shoulder.  That day I did for her, what I have done countless times for her brothers and sister- I rocked her to sleep.

There are a lot of little loves in orphanages, who have never been rocked to sleep.

This was a difficult month, 3 little ones listed on Reece's Rainbow passed away- two had families working to bring them home.

I will never forget the first time I saw Cristoff's picture.  It's not an easy sight to forget.  A small boy, with down syndrome, very clearly malnourished, a bleak profile--  a crib baby.

 I saw him, and my first thought was how much being loved would change him.  How he could thrive in a family who claimed him as their own.  I prayed for someone to see the beautiful boy, hidden behind years of neglect, and recognize him as their son.

I remember telling Timmy that if he was still waiting after we got Marla home... I couldn't just leave him there.

Then his family found him, and I was ecstatic.

Cristoff passed away, about a week after his family committed to bringing him home.

I'm so thankful to everyone who has supported us as we work toward bringing Marla home.  I really can't say that enough.

Some may wonder why anyone would commit to adopting before having all the funds necessary to complete the adoption.

http://covenantbuilders.blogspot.com/2016/07/which-one-would-you-leave-behind.html?m=1

We have been asked that question before, and I think this post does an excellent job of answering that question.

It also shows you pictures from a RR reunion- and points you toward the idea of committing $5 a month to adopting RR families.

Cristoff pops into my head pretty much every day at random moments.

I used to wonder how love would change him- never realizing that loving Cristoff would change me.  This sweet boy, so far away, so unaware, broke my heart.

And as I look to my heavenly father for comfort- I get to imagine the comfort Cristoff now feels, wrapped in the loving arms of the perfect Father.

As a parent, sometimes I am tempted to let my failures define me.

 There are days I put my kids to bed, and I dance down the stairs to freedom.

Bribery is a daily occurrence in our house...because candy is an excellent motivator, and I really just don't care how much of it they eat.  (That's right...move on)

I threw away Dexter's alphabet book he worked on throughout this whole preschool school year.  I hid it beneath all the other garbage because I knew if he saw it he would cry... I did it anyway.

I have taught them nothing as far as school skills go.  My kids can count and do the abcs, because of kid shows and church leaders.

I am not a morning person, and because I am not a morning person- Dexter and Bea either get their own cereal or you know... if there are cookies- we deem those acceptable breakfast food.

I'm not proud of any of these things listed above, and some days I feel like I have really blown it as a mom.

http://www.ransomforisrael.com/mommy-fails/

This is a link to a great post written by a very talented writer.  I have read it more than a few times- as I struggle with feelings of failure as a parent- and have worried about being a good mom for Marla.

Love never fails...

Meeting Marla

It is difficult to write about meeting Marla- there were and are just so many different emotions involved.

When we arrived at the orphanage we went directly to the social worker's office.  We were supposed to meet with the orphanage director- but she was gone the entire week we visited.  This may have been a blessing as I have heard she is cold, and I have a low tolerance for jerks.  

During this brief meeting we listened as the social worker told us how the director, Marla' s Dr., and her physical therapist were all away on vacation- and we wouldn't be meeting them.

It was made abundantly clear in a matter of minutes, that there was no one present in the orphanage who knew Marla.  It was upsetting.

BUT we hadn't even met Marla yet!  So any negative emotion, that news may have evoked, was buried deep under excitement.

We just sat there, staring at the door...

Then Marla was carried in and put in my arms.  It was awesome and even a little terrifying.  Life changing moments are often scary and there is no doubt many things are about to change.

We took her outside (away from the social worker) to give ourselves a moment alone with her- give ourselves some time to really see her.  

The moment we got outside and snapped ourselves out the shock of finally meeting her- so many things were immediately realized.  

She can't yet walk or place any weight on her legs, but she can move her legs. She doesn't know how to be held.  Her vision is impaired.  Her head is flat.  She can't sit.  

She smiles when you touch her face. 

Complete honesty... at that moment I wanted to weep.  I wanted to grieve the realization that she has been neglected and left in a crib for far too many hours of the day.  I wanted to stomp my feet and scream- all out rage- that she had clearly been sedated before being placed in my arms.  

And by the time our first visit was nearing its end- my face hurt from holding a smile- and my head ached from the onslaught of emotions I couldn't freely express.  

And part of me longed for the comfortable.  That's right, a selfish, completely disgusting part of me, wished I was home and not in an orphanage in Eastern Europe.

But she smiles when you touch her face. And she cocks her head, in the cutest way, when she hears music.  

She will celebrate her second birthday in a few weeks- and she has never had a home.

I can't wait to bring her home.

When we got back to our hotel after our first visit- and I could finally give voice to the experiences of the day.  I remember looking at Timmy and saying, " I love her, I do.  So much.  And this is really hard."  

I struggle with ending the post this way, but I wanted to share with you a real picture of our first day with Marla.

God is great.  Love is enough.  I am blessed to love Marla and to be her mom.  Adoption is hard.

Here we go!

There have been moments when it has felt like this trip would never get here. Nine months ago we committed to adopting Marla.

It has been quite the journey so far, and we still have a ways to go... BUT we get to see her on Monday!!  

We get to read to her, and show her pictures- we get to hold her and tell her we love her.  

We leave tomorrow night, and arrive in Eastern Europe Sunday evening.  

It's here.  Finally months of waiting will end in us meeting our daughter.

I can give you a brief outline of what this trip holds for us.

On Sunday evening we will arrive in her country, where we will be picked up by our translator/driver/all around helper.  He will take us to our hotel and be responsible for taking us to see Marla every day.

Monday we will meet with the director of the orphanage, a social worker, Marla, and our translator will also be present.

Tuesday through Friday we will visit with Marla in the mornings, and again in the late afternoon/early evening after rest time is over.

Half way through the trip, we will complete some paperwork in country, solidifying our commitment to adopt Marla.

I don't know if you have noticed our fundraising amount listed to the right. BUT we have reached our goal!  In fact we have exceeded it.

I can't express our gratitude.  You can't see me- but I can't write this without getting choked up.  THANK YOU.

It is daunting to hear the number 32-35,000.  An outline of expected expenses is right there on some of the first (of a lot....) of paperwork that is given at the beginning of the adoption process.  And I would be lying if I said I never had a moment of worry over how we would afford this.

In the beginning I was certain we would need to pursue a loan.  We would have, there is no doubt that we were led to Marla, and even though I can't always completely squash my worry, my God is always bigger.  I refused to believe (well, Timmy refused to believe, and may remind me every so often!)  that we would be called to adopt, if we weren't able to do so.


That isn't to say things have been easy, but things have been possible! And it has been, eye opening, to look back and see God in complete control (as always) of this journey.

My brother, James, is picking us up for the airport around 5pm tomorrow evening.

Dexter, Bea, and Simon are hopping around between Meemaw and Pap pap, Aunt Joc and Uncle Mike, Aunt Dayna and Uncle Tommy- the kids are really excited for all of their sleepovers and Timmy and I are so blessed to have such help from our family!

We will have lots to share when we get back!

Prep for Trip One

This has been a crazy week!

We are SO excited to have our travel dates- June 18th-25th.  And we want to say, thank you to everyone for your support.  Thank you so much.  It is a huge blessing to be able to work toward adopting Marla- without the worry of how we will be able to afford the adoption.  This is only possible because of your love and support- we are blown away by such generosity.


We had a lot of fees due this week and we used a big chunk of the money gifted to us. The money went directly toward two things.  A 6500 foreign fee, and 3500 for travel.  It was incredibly helpful.

All travel arrangements are made and three weeks from today we will meet Marla.

It is overwhelming.  

We have a few last minute things to do this week and next- some more paperwork of course!  BUT at this point- paperwork just doesn't faze us like it did in the beginning of our adoption journey.  

No, I'm overwhelmed by possibilities. My brain is being bombarded by all the things we do not know about our little girl.

Some of you may have wondered about Marla's diagnosis.  And you're not alone- Timmy and I wonder about it too.

 The truth of the matter is, we do not have a lot of information on Marla's condition.  And we don't expect to know anything for certain until she is home with us and able to see a neurologist.

She is diagnosed (in country), with a brain abnormality.  The exact wording and medical letter from her country combined with video of Marla, when reviewed by a Dr. here- did not translate completely(didn't add up). And until imaging/ testing can be done- Drs here can't tell us anything.

So I think about the possibility of her needing significant medical treatment.  And it's scary-- but I have no concerns about her getting excellent treatment in the U.S.

We are really so blessed to live where we do.

This next part- I want to write about- I want to be brutally honest about- what has occupied much of my mind since we got our travel dates.

I know orphanages are far from the ideal place for a child to live.  And I have seen horrific things in an orphanage in Eastern Europe.  Which is what gave us the final nudge to adopt.

You know ever since committing to adopting Marla, I have clung to a picture of her in a pristine white outfit- and a 2 minute video of her in a jumper seat blowing raspberries.  I have listened to others who have seen these two images and concluded that Marla must be in a pretty nice orphanage.  And I haven't let my mind wander too far down a difficult road...

Once we received our travel dates- as though a red light had finally turned green- I asked myself the question I had been too afraid to dwell on...and took off down a gravel road that had just reopened after a long winter.  The kind of bumps that knock your teeth together and scrape the bottom of your car.  The kind of road you avoid unless it is the only way to get to where you're going.

What if Marla's orphanage resembles the one I visited?

What if we walk in and our senses are assaulted by the sight of malnourished children and the smell of sweat and urine?

What if the images that haunt me still today are mirrored in the place where our daughter lives?

I asked the question- and I was able to ask someone who would know the answer.

She took her son, Israel, home from the orphanage where Marla lives earlier this year.

She writes about her first trip- about the orphanage- director- and her sweet little boy- on her blog.  The link is below.

The post from August 2015- titled,  To Hell and Back, gives insight into her trip one. (She is a phenomenal writer and I love her blog- it is all worth reading!)

http://www.ransomforisrael.com/2015/08/

My heart aches a bit more and I am grieving the loss of the dream- that maybe Marla is in a "good place."

How broken.  How broken this world is.
Adoption is amazing- and beautiful- but never forget it comes from a place of loss- of brokenness.

There is a popular quote in the adoption community.


"My friends, adoption is redemption. It’s costly, exhausting, expensive, and outrageous. Buying back lives costs so much. When God set out to redeem us, it killed Him." - Derek Loux

(I'm not sure why everything is highlighted from here on out...I copied and pasted the quote and it changed something that I don't know how to change back...And I'm not SO concerned that I'm going to take time to figure it out!)

So as Timmy and I prepare for trip one- we are so very excited to meet our daughter.

 But excitement is just one of many emotions we are experiencing- so please pray for us, pray for Marla, pray for orphans.  


I am so thankful God sought me in my brokenness.  What amazing, unbelievable, seriously crazy love He has for the broken. Hallelujah.


"We care for orphans not because we are rescuers, but because we are the rescued"- David Platt

While we wait

It has been six weeks since our dossier was received in country, and we could get the news we are approved to travel at any time.

Some families who have adopted from the same country as we are say they heard around 8 weeks- our agency said more like ten- and honestly it could be longer.  

What do I do while I wait?

Well... I check my phone a lot.  Every time it dings or vibrates I check for the email icon in the top left corner of my screen.  

And several times a day it's there!  And I feel my heart start to beat a little bit faster as I swipe down to see what is in my mailbox... and the waiting continues.

Sometimes when my phone alerts me- it is a Facebook notification from my Reece's Rainbow group.

Several times a day, it is someone from the RR group, advocating for a waiting child.  

And so while I wait- I am reminded that so many children are waiting too. 

They're waiting for a family.  They're waiting to be loved- for someone to say, "I won't leave you there, I will come for you."

Just waiting. 

I look at their sweet little faces, and my heart hurts, and my arms ache, and my feet itch to run to them.  

We are coming for Marla, but there are so many little ones we will leave behind.  We can't be the family- for every orphan.  

And every child was made to have a family. 

So what do I do while I wait?

I pray.  

I click on the waiting child's link to their RR profile- and I read about them- I fall in love with them- I let my heart break for them- and I pray.  

Will you pray with me?

This is a link to Joseph- he lives in an orphanage because his mother passed away.  Sweet baby will be transferred soon from the nice baby house he is in.

http://reecesrainbow.org/84631/joseph-3

There's a YouTube link in his profile!  

Dear God,

Thank you for Joseph.  Thank you for Reece's Rainbow and the work they do advocating for orphans. We are in awe of Your love God.  That You would leave heaven to come to a broken world- that You would give your son to die on a cross, so that we, undeserving as we are, could inherit Your kingdom.  So that we could be your sons and daughters.  Thank you for loving us.  Thank you for saving us.  God, we ask that our hearts be burdened for the orphan.  We ask for a family for Joseph. We want Joseph to experience love and family- they way you designed it to be.   We know Your ways are greater, are higher than our understanding- and we in all things trust in Your goodness and perfect plan.  We love you.  Amen.

Waiting to travel

I have been the worst at updating this blog.  I am so sorry.

I think the main reason this post has been so delayed- is every time I have sat down determined to write something- I feel like I have nothing to say.

That's not exactly true- we are waiting.

Waiting.

And what I want to say is... it kind of sucks.  I could try to put an upbeat spin on the process of doing nothing but waiting- but it's exhausting and I'm getting tired.

I think Tim and I have reached a point where we just want to hold her.  Gosh, we just want to meet her.

Our dossier has been accepted- and now we are waiting to hear we can travel.

This is completely out of our hands- and solely in the hands of someone in another country- who we have absolutely no contact with.

Once we are invited to travel by Marla's birth country- we will leave to meet her asap.  Which will be within two weeks of being invited.

We really want to hear we can travel this month- but it could be June.

And we won't know til we know.

There will be no update until we are told we can travel.


Recently, while at bible study, I was reminded that

God created time for timing.

I was reminded, through scripture, that God has perfect timing.

I need to remember, especially now in this time of waiting, that God is moving.

He's not taking a break, He's not distracted, He's not disinterested...

He is perfect.  His plan is perfect.  His timing is perfect.

When uncertainties make me crazy (just a little bit)- I need to rest in the knowledge that one thing is certain.

God is sure.  God is steady, He is unchanging.

He choreographs the universe to move perfectly.  His timing is flawless.

If His plan is for me to wait- I will wait for Him- knowing that this part too- has been perfectly planned.

Dossier en route!!

Last weekend we took a trip to Harrisburg to have our dossier sealed (it's like- notarizing the notary lol).  And now... it is on its way to the country we are adopting from! Now we wait for it to be registered in country, and then get some travel dates!!

This week we also had some big fees due- and I have never been so excited to part with $9,000.

When we first seriously considered adoption- one of the biggest things holding us back was the cost.  It is expensive.

But ask me now- how I feel about the cost.

Without a doubt, it is the thing I am the least worried about.  And I am so glad we didn't let that fear stop us from answering the call to adopt.


We are so grateful for all of the support our friends and family have given us, and I thought this would be a good time to give an update on where we are financially.

We have fundraised 9,100.  That is phenomenal and we are SO blessed by the generosity of our community.

This is tricky to write- but I find honesty is always the best way to deal with a touchy subject, like money.

We would like to fundraise 15,000 (so far grants have not come through).  We now have a better idea of how much this adoption will cost- and we expect it to fall within 30- 33 thousand.

The thing with adoption- and international adoption in particular, is there are many variables.  And as much as it is tempting to plan for the cheaper end- it is not wise.

If we do not raise another cent- money will not prevent us from bringing Marla home.  We will, if necessary look into a small loan.  As a parent- what wouldn't you do for your child?

I feel since we are asking for monetary support, we should be completely transparent with our adoption finances. Timmy and I have now officially saved 20,000- and we are absolutely prepared to use it all.

But here comes some tough honesty... the costs don't stop when the adoption is finalized.

We will have to submit post-placement reports (think mini homestudy by a social worker) to Marla's birth country, at 6 months, 12 months, 18 months, and 24 months. The studies along with translation can be costly.

When we arrive home- we do not know exactly what to expect. But very likely, Marla will have immediate and significant medical needs.

We would like to have set aside a small buffer (2-3,000) for her immediate care- once she is home.

We are not, in any way worried about this.  We are fully confident in our ability to properly care for all of our children.  I tell you this- to be completely honest about what Timmy and I talk about.

The great news, if I haven't turned you all off with my bluntness, is we are only 6,000 away from our- I hate to say goal... but goal of 15,000.

This goal could change- it could lower or please no, raise, depending on travel and in country expenses beyond our control.  

The best news is we know who is in control!!  So pray for us!!  We serve a God who listens when we pray.

We are in the very very (I seriously can not stress that word enough) early stages of planning a fundraising event!! ... I figured if I put a lot of explanation marks I could trick you into excitement. Did it work?

Haha I'm kind of kidding- we are hoping to keep it very simple- and something that would be fun enough- you almost forget you're doing us a huge favor by participating.

We are thinking a dance and snack event.  Family friendly.

We can't feed you dinner... because well the point is to raise money. BUT dancing is a lot of fun- and we have a potential free/ or super cheap venue!! And they might not know it yet... but our family is hopefully going to help us make some yummy snacks :).

I think there is potential there- but I am, quite possibly, the worst at planning things.  Friends let me know what you think!!  Please.

Plan is to have the event after our first trip!

Wanted, Chosen, Loved

Before I write this, I wanted to mention, my writing is coming from a person who believes in Jesus.  That person is me.  Ha. There was some very questionable grammar just now- and I am not going back to fix it.


We live in a world where- like it or not- people are valued based on whether other people like them (want them, choose them, love them).  You see it everywhere- and it makes some sense.  I mean who wants to choose to hang out with a jerk- or even a super annoying person.  It makes some sense. (Worldly sense).

This attitude is deceptively destructive and too easily expressed toward- unborn babies, orphans, the disabled, the lower class, the upper class (probably just the opposite of the class you find yourself in...)
And not because they are all jerks, or annoying (although I'm sure sometimes that is the case( to be clear- I still don't think those reasons make it ok not to love someone.  I just wanted you to know- I understand the struggle of loving jerks and annoying people)), but because, for whatever reason, it is inconvenient to value them.  To want them, to choose them, to love them.

And when we choose not to want them, not to choose them, not to love them. We devalue them.  We see them as less than what they are.  Less than eternal. We see them as temporary.  A temporary problem.

As a Christian, my biggest challenge is to love.

My biggest challenge has been-- to want, to choose, to love-- the eternal.

And to let go of the temporary, when it gets in the way of that.

We are bombarded with a worldly view of what love is.  In every show, movie, commercial, song, news cast- we are told what it means to love.  You fall in love, you fall out of love, just love yourself, love is elusive, love is temporary..

But we know what love looks like. It looks like a Savior coming into a world that has turned away from Him.  It looks like Jesus dying on a cross- after being viciously beaten, and ridiculed.  It looks like a Father turning away, and letting that happen, so we can have eternal life with Him.  (Even the really annoying people)

Does it look easy?  Does it look temporary?  Does it look convenient?

No, it looks unimaginably hard.

It looks like a choice.

Our value is found- at the cross.  Where we are- so wanted, so chosen, so loved


People are not temporary.  They are eternal.  They are valuable.

Our value is not determined by anything or anyone, physically present on Earth.

Our value was determined a long time ago- on a cross.

We don't get to determine anyone else's value- that has already been done.

We get to love- because He first loved us- we can love.  

That ridiculously annoying person- we can love them, that child with HIV- we can love them, that homeless man, that bitter acquaintance... we can choose to love them.

It is hard to love.  But it is a privilege to love.  It is a privilege, as Christians, to be a part of God's will.

I recently was added to a closed Facebook group- full of people adopting kids listed on Reece's Rainbow.

I am humbled by the love I see displayed.  Tough love.  Love that chooses the child who is 8 yrs old and has lived their entire life in a crib.  Love that brings home the 3 yr old with such a severe infection- from medical neglect- that the infection will take their life.  Love that knows it will be hard, knows it will be uncomfortable, knows it would be so much easier to see people as a temporary problem...but they look- and see Jesus.

They see themselves, unwanted, unchosen, unlovable- and they see a Savior- who came, and chose, and loved.

We are the hands and feet.

Someday every wrong will be made right. And I cling to that promise.

But here on Earth, right now, we are given the honor- given the privilege- of being the body of Christ.

We all remember those trendy- WWJD bracelets... And no one likes to say it anymore because...well it's just not cool.
But seriously... WHAT WOULD JESUS DO?

I know I could be inconvenienced a lot more often- be made a lot more uncomfortable- let go of a lot more temporary..

And, I could love people a whole lot more than I do.

i800a

It's Tuesday night, which means I am sitting outside of Bea's dance class. Timmy got home in time for me to leave the other kids at home- which means I have a solid half hour of free time. Wahoo!

We are still waiting for i800a approval(USCIS).  We were finger printed Friday, which was quicker than we expected (yay!).  BUT last Tuesday we got a dreaded pink paper in the mail from USCIS- Request for Evidence.

Which means, there was something more they needed from us to complete our application.

It turns out there were two things left out of our home study.  Two silly little statements- but they are required to be in our home study.

SO that Tuesday began a really long week for me.

 I am very aware that any delay with USCIS- can become a long  delay- so upon getting the- pardon me- stupid pink paper- I flew into action. Contacting USCIS- our home study agency- and our placement agency.  So that we could (and I say we- but really there is nothing I can do to get this done...which is super annoying, frustrating, sad...pick your depressive adjective... for me)- get this sent in asap. And avoid, hopefully, a delay.

Well, it has been a week and there is pretty much no chance this won't delay us by a couple weeks.  Which unfortunately can have a bigger consequence, because the ministry in Marla's country, closes from mid July to end of September... And with no delays...We could have been so close to making it.

We have to travel beginning of April- if we have any chance (still a long shot) of getting her in July.  If not... October will be the soonest we can bring her home.

I know everything will work out in perfect timing.  It doesn't stop me from wanting to hurry the process along.

I am feeling tired this week.  Drained, actually.  Constantly checking my phone- waiting for our social worker to tell me our updated home study has been submitted.

It seemed like they were going to mail it last Friday- but now it is Tuesday- and despite several emails yesterday- a phone call this afternoon- and finally a (not as nice) email sent this evening- when it was clear- no one would be getting in touch with me today... there's been no word of when/or if they have mailed in the additional evidence to USCIS.

Don't worry, the email wasn't mean. Just no exclamation marks... and an admission that I am worried... which for me, is a pretty cool email.

So if you want, pray for a speedy process in getting this approval.  And my sanity, while I struggle with waiting on other people! 

I laugh, but I am really struggling, and would appreciate some prayers.

Bea's class is over, and she is headed my way.  I will try to write again soon!

I'm sitting in Bethel's Community Center- waiting for Bea to finish her first dance class.  Of course, she is all decked out in full dance attire, for a class that will- no doubt consist of glorified jumping and hand clapping.

But, you gotta start somewhere, right? And while her moves are questionable- her heart is all in.

Bea asked me if she could take dance class, a couple weeks ago.

She asked me-- because I'm her mom. And from the day her life started I have been there.  I've been there to feed her, to clothe her, to carry her around (even when vacuuming would have been SO much easier without her on my hip...), to tuck her into bed, to read her stories, to tie her shoes, to tickle her, to run with her, to color with her, to count with her... and the list goes on.  Her days start and end with me- being there. With me loving her.

Dexer, Beatrix, and Simon wake each day, and go to bed every night, to warmth-- security-- love.  

Since beginning this adoption process- so much has changed for me.

I still wake up in the mornings and love Dex, Bea, and Simon.  My days are still filled with all of the little things- that make me their mom.   And, my days end with bedtime baths, stories, prayers, and snuggles... And let's face it sometimes tears and tantrums.

My days have not changed, but they feel very different.

I wake up each day and go to sleep every night- knowing Dex, Bea, and Simon are warm, safe, and content.  I feel so blessed, but I also feel a persistent ache in my chest.

Somewhere far away, a little girl, who I have never met but love, wakes each day and goes to sleep every night.

Is she warm?  Is she hungry?  Did anyone show her love today?

I don't know.

It won't be too long and she will be warm, secure, loved, and snuggled up down the hall from where I sleep.

She will be 2 years old, but brand new to the experience of family.  She won't know me.  She won't understand what I say.  She won't know if she cries at night I'll come to her.  She won't know that she can depend on me.

I won't know her whole story,  I won't know everywhere she has been, I won't know the reasons for certain behaviors, I won't know, without trial and error, the best way to make her feel secure.

I imagine my days, suddenly, will both- feel and look different.  Change is coming- for Marla, for me, for Timmy, Dex, Bea, and Simon.

When Marla is finally home, I wonder if I won't resemble Beatrix at her first dance class.  Excited, ready...but with so much to learn.

I can only hope that while my dancing, may in fact, look suspiciously like jumping... There is never any doubt as to why I move-- My heart is all in.