We leave on Saturday for trip one.

I'm a mess

There's excitement- but kind of the sick to your stomach excitement you feel while waiting in line to ride a new rollercoaster.

And then finally you're buckled in your seat- the bar ominously lowers and clicks into place- you're not getting off this ride.  And you are not in control. 

The time for second guessing is over and the next part is all about surviving- hopefully with a little bit of dignity and grace.

There will be moments when the wind is whipping by your face- and you feel exhilarated.  Moments of breathless joy as you balance on top of the world- and then moments of breathless terror as the ground comes rushing up to meet you.  You feel free.  You feel trapped.  You are living. You are dying.

You've been here before.  The ride is not totally unfamiliar.  You may not know the exact course the car will take but the track has been laid.  And you are not in control.

I'm a mess.  And the truth is I've always been one.

I struggle with anxiety but most of the time it doesn't completely overwhelm me.

But right now I am overwhelmed.

I can't wait to meet him.  I hope he likes me and by the end of our visit feels some connection to me and Timmy.  But I know that's not realistic and attachment takes time (a lot of it) and hard work, and it's not guaranteed.  I know I will love him unconditionally.  I know he has friends in the orphanage- I know when we bring him home he will be full of grief and fear of the unfamiliar and I may not bring him any comfort.

I know the brokenness he carries with him will touch the whole family.

There will be so many needs and I will struggle to meet them.  I will grieve the years I didn't know him- the baby I never got to hold.

Expectations will die and small victories will be celebrated.

And what I know most of all is I really don't know.  I don't know.  And this isn't a small thing it's a huge thing...and still I don't know.  I don't know.  I don't know.

I hear the click, click, click as the coaster climbs.

All the paperwork, clearances, and homestudies have led me to this moment- when I finally get to meet this little boy.

I am so very ready to meet him.  To love him.

Five years.  He's lived for five years in an orphanage.  What will that look like?

I don't know.

I think of every possibility and plan but I am not in control.  I don't get to be in control.  I've known for many years who holds my future in His hands- and I truly wouldn't want it any other way.  But I can't completely quiet the fear.

So this is where I sign off.  I'm struggling.
I know the truth and still I'm struggling.  I can't wait to see my boy!  And still I'm struggling.  I believe that God is in control and He is working all things for my good- and to be honest- I'm struggling.  It's  going to have to be ok to struggle.

"When I am afraid, I put my trust in you" Psalm 56:3

And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God's love.  Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow--not even the powers of hell can separate us from God's love.
Romans 8:38-39

Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.  Take my yoke on you and learn from me, because I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.  For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light
Matthew 11:28-30

Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God.  And the peace of God, which surpasses all comprehension, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.  Philippians 4:6-7

"We are not necessarily doubting that God will do the best for us; we are wondering how painful the best will turn out to be."
C. S. Lewis

So here's where we stand financially with this adoption.

The amount we have fundraised is in the upper right corner.  As I write this it reads, 8201.  This is a a phenomenal amount, especially when you factor in I only mailed 11 support letters because my printer ran out of ink...and well... there's really no other reason.

That money only becomes available to us when we travel.

So far we have paid the following expenses
Home study- 1500
Hague oversight agency- 3100
Facilitation fee deposit for those working on our behalf in ......- 900
USCIS application and biometric fees- 945
Dossier apostilles (all paperwork has to have a special seal from your state department)- 715
FBI fingerprinting (several times)- 200
FBI apostilles- 100
Mailing last part of dossier to ....- 278

7,738.

There were a few other things like copies of birth certificates, marriage certificates, required lab work...

Looking forward

 We will have to travel three times for this adoption.
1st trip- meet him and accept referral. A week long
2nd trip- court (quick as possible)
3rd trip- pick up... 2 weeks to who knows 😯

From this point on- we expect we will spend an additional 23000-27000

8500 of that is the remainder of our facilitation fee, which is due on trip one.  As you can see we will be able to pay the majority of that with the 8200 we have raised so far.

That leaves us with 14,800- 18,800 in costs remaining.  Airfare will be a large portion of that and impossible to know the exact cost until we get our tickets.  Airfare is also pricier because the unpredictable nature of this adoption will require one way tickets and not round-trip tickets.  Food and lodging will be pretty inexpensive.  Drivers and other travel arrangements while in country will be more expensive.  There's also visa, passport, and medical stuff. 

Bottom line- we are bringing this boy home.  We, I hate to say need, but we don't have that full amount SO we could stand to raise 7-8 thousand more dollars.

We are willing and prepared to use an adoption loan if necessary.  The big draw back here would be that a loan would make things financially difficult for us when we first bring him home.

We expect he will need significant medical attention- and we must also prepare for that.

SO this seems like a lot, right?  As I read it, I'm thinking yikes!  And there are some possible "things aren't going as planned" expenses I've kept to myself- you know trying to be optimistic! 😁

But I'm really not worried about the financial part of this adoption.  I mean I'm really not.  And I'm a worrier.

I'm not ignoring the fact that we will need a good bit of money to complete this adoption- and we did buy printer ink and will be mailing more support letters.  Possibly try an additional fundraiser...🤗

But I've seen my son.  Sure, just in pictures and clips, but he is invaluable.  What cost could be too high?  It's a bargain.

*For some reason when I share this blog on Facebook the donate button showing the amount raised will not show up!  Our family support page can be found by clicking on the link below.  It shows how much people have donated and has a button if you would like to contribute online.

https://reecesrainbow.org/120638/sponsorkronenberger2

Happy Valentine's Day.  It's a day for cards, candy, flowers, and kisses.  A day when we appreciate and celebrate all the people we love and who love us. 

But to be perfectly honest I've never been into Valentine's Day.  Maybe it's because the day is associated with things more than people.  Sure people are giving the things and people are getting the things...but it always seems to be about the stuff.

I don't know about you but I never feel more love on Valentine's day than other days.

It's a day heavy with expectations.  And for me, the most earnest moments of love have always occurred unexpectedly.  And if not unexpectedly then mundanely.

I remember being nervous and excited on my wedding day, and of course I loved Timmy.  But when I think about love and Timmy- I think about how when he was only 17 and I 16- he stuck by me as I hugely struggled with anxiety and depression.  I think about our first year of marriage where we literally ran out of money and bought groceries at Sears because we could use our Sears card.  I think about several months later when my period was late and I took a pregnancy test in the Clarion Walmart bathroom because we couldn't wait the 5 minutes to drive home.  It was positive- I took five more just to be certain.

There we were barely making ends meet and pregnant.  This was 8 years ago and there were no teaching jobs to speak of and despite having just graduated with a teaching degree...my husband began looking for a job that had nothing to do with what he had always wanted to do..teach.

I think about moving back to the South Hills of Pittsburgh with an 8 month old and moving in with my in-laws while Timmy started a new job.  I think about all the nights he got home late and all the times I asked him if he was ok with giving up on teaching.  And all the times he said yes.

I think about our first home and the first time we, as a married couple, weren't broke.  And how we looked back on those Clarion days with affection and even a little bit of envy.

I think of holding babies that just won't stop crying and hair back as toddlers puke- and I look to my side and there is my husband.

I think of bringing home a traumatized, neglected, drugged 2 1/2 year old and watching the life I knew tilt on it's axis.  And there is my husband.

We can set aside a day to acknowledge love with fancy dinners and grand gestures, and love can be found in the midst of those things, but love is not those things.

When I think about the times love has made my chest ache and feet move- it's been tucking my kids into bed as they tearfully tell me about having trouble with friends.  So the next day I set up the slip n slide and resign myself to having their friends over so relationships can be mended.  It's when I am feeling anxious and down and not pleasant to be around and Timmy runs out to get me my favorite burger.  It was holding kids who were dying from curable illness and still they were going to die.  But I was going to hold them.

The moments when I have known- I would take someone else's burden if I could.  And times when someone would take mine.

Is there any love that doesn't deny self?  Love is selfless.

I thought it so fitting that the beginning of Lent fell on Valentine's Day this year.  What a great reminder for me of what love is.


"My command is this: love each other as I have loved you"  John 15:12

How did He love us?

“For God so loved the world, that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life" John 3:16

He gave...but it's not simply that he gave, it's what he gave.  He gave himself.  He laid down his life.  

Love is actionary and sacrificial.  It doesn't say and not do.  It doesn't feel and not move.
  
And whereas I know there are moments when love seems easy.  When I said, "I do", the first time I held my babies, when I committed to adopt Martina and Roman...and many other moments when love floods my heart.

I know that love is putting others before myself.  And I must be incredibly selfish because that, more often than not, isn't easy.  
But it is love.  And love is good. 

Happy Valentine's Day.