Meeting Marla

It is difficult to write about meeting Marla- there were and are just so many different emotions involved.

When we arrived at the orphanage we went directly to the social worker's office.  We were supposed to meet with the orphanage director- but she was gone the entire week we visited.  This may have been a blessing as I have heard she is cold, and I have a low tolerance for jerks.  

During this brief meeting we listened as the social worker told us how the director, Marla' s Dr., and her physical therapist were all away on vacation- and we wouldn't be meeting them.

It was made abundantly clear in a matter of minutes, that there was no one present in the orphanage who knew Marla.  It was upsetting.

BUT we hadn't even met Marla yet!  So any negative emotion, that news may have evoked, was buried deep under excitement.

We just sat there, staring at the door...

Then Marla was carried in and put in my arms.  It was awesome and even a little terrifying.  Life changing moments are often scary and there is no doubt many things are about to change.

We took her outside (away from the social worker) to give ourselves a moment alone with her- give ourselves some time to really see her.  

The moment we got outside and snapped ourselves out the shock of finally meeting her- so many things were immediately realized.  

She can't yet walk or place any weight on her legs, but she can move her legs. She doesn't know how to be held.  Her vision is impaired.  Her head is flat.  She can't sit.  

She smiles when you touch her face. 

Complete honesty... at that moment I wanted to weep.  I wanted to grieve the realization that she has been neglected and left in a crib for far too many hours of the day.  I wanted to stomp my feet and scream- all out rage- that she had clearly been sedated before being placed in my arms.  

And by the time our first visit was nearing its end- my face hurt from holding a smile- and my head ached from the onslaught of emotions I couldn't freely express.  

And part of me longed for the comfortable.  That's right, a selfish, completely disgusting part of me, wished I was home and not in an orphanage in Eastern Europe.

But she smiles when you touch her face. And she cocks her head, in the cutest way, when she hears music.  

She will celebrate her second birthday in a few weeks- and she has never had a home.

I can't wait to bring her home.

When we got back to our hotel after our first visit- and I could finally give voice to the experiences of the day.  I remember looking at Timmy and saying, " I love her, I do.  So much.  And this is really hard."  

I struggle with ending the post this way, but I wanted to share with you a real picture of our first day with Marla.

God is great.  Love is enough.  I am blessed to love Marla and to be her mom.  Adoption is hard.